Grace's Mind-it-on-your-own

Hi there to all! =)

It's already December! =) I can't wait for the holidays, although i have to think seriously about my grades, and that i should pass each subject i am taking this term, so that i wont need to think of other things to take up next term. =0

Yesterday, JL came over here at our house and we worked on our Theopro project. At least we were able to work yesterday, with me trying to think of algorithms for the checking of which player wins; the checking would be on whether the player has connected four coins horizontally, vertically and diagonally. I worked on the horizontal and the vertical (algorithm only) and JL did the programming, translating my algorithm into Python. He also did the programming for the checking of the diagonal win. But when he left by 4pm, there were still bugs with the horizontal and the vertical checking, so therefore i worked on the horizontal and vertical checking up until 6pm i guess. I think, I THINK, that i have already "debugged" or straightened out the code for the horizontal and the vertical checking. Oh well, now we have to debug the diagonal checking. =)

Anyway, i would like to tell you guys that i was smiling yesterday; yes, a big SMILE. =) And i am smiling as i woke up today. =) It's great when you know you won't the people that you care for, that you love. =)

Anyway, gotta work on the research that my cousin asked me to do for my nephew and niece since they don't have internet connection.....

See yah! =)

Today is very different from the previous days. =)

I am happier today, that’s for sure…. =) Look, just the first two sentences, and there are already two smiley faces. =) (and that and these =) ) This is also one of the times that I really enjoy listening to Edwin McCain’s “I could not ask for more”. =) I was listening to this song a few days ago, with a heavy heart, but today, no, not today. I enjoy listening to this song today. =)

Oh why? =) [smiling again. =D]

Don’t overanalyze, and don’t start thinking of things that shouldn’t be thought of, or else I’ll end up doing the same thing again.

Drew, did you just read what I wrote above? =) Happy, happy, happy… Though for a minute today, I nearly started being all too “over-analytical”, but anyway, I was successful in pushing the thought away, because I am afraid that it might go back to the silent way it was in the past. I don’t want “that” kind of silence… It pierces my soul and I just feel so drained and sad, and I just want to sleep, to escape all the crushing feeling by dying… But not today, and I hope not anymore…. =)

Joan, I know the feeling, the fear of losing friends because they leave either because they don’t know how to handle “you” when you are in a problem or they go away, because they just can’t do anything with you anymore. I nearly lost one just this month….. I still wasn’t able to do so, even after losing each of my bestfriends one after the other, except for my current bestfriend, for five years, Daphne. =) I learn too slow…. I hope that we really could continue where we left off. Although I know that I must not hope too much that it will instantly be the way that it was, and I must learn to let some “things” that I hear go pass. Well, I just really hope and pray that our friendship would not just stop. Still praying that it would grow, and really continue to grow…. Just a smile can change a lot of things, especially if that just one smile wasn’t given to you, just for you, for almost two weeks. It can really make a person’s day. =) And it just made mind. (And I thought that I would be just spending the weekend trying to bury myself with whatever I must do. But now I can enjoy doing those things because I am happy. =) ) And I look forward to next week too, and Christmas as well. I also hope to look forward to next term… to my own personal growth as well that of our friendship’s growth. I look forward to everyone’s growth. =) [Joan, sorry, this is my happy self taking over today]. =)

But Joan, don’t worry, I will be there for you, for you have been there(I mean present, here) with me. My lady-in-waiting, we can never be parted, kahit papaano. =) {of course, we cannot be parted in the sense that we will be there for each other. = p}.

Che, Ellen, Joan, Drew: Thank you very much for being present when I needed you guys! =) You guys are also part of what made me happier today, aside from the other “reason”. =) Oh, and I must not forget Arcy too. =)
Che, thank you for keeping me company always, and giving advices. =)

Ellen, thank you for signing my guestbook. I mean, you are present to me, even we don’t talk much at school, but you are still there for me, especially in blogging.

Joan, your constant presence…. Thanks for that too.

Drew, thank you for listening to my blabbering, though we can’t call all my blabberings useless. =) You know why… =) Thank you for always hearing me out even if you know that you really have to go do something. =)

To everybody else: Thank you! =)

I am thanking everyone(which means even those not with Drew and the Gang, like Michelle Concepcion [special mention]) again today! =) (didn’t I just say that in the previous sentence? =) ) Bwahahahaha =)

The personal part will be continued later. =)

Must learn not to smother other person with too much love. In the past, I gave less love and was too much domineering. Now, I gave more love, offered whatever I can, and I still almost lost the person who means a lot to me… Silly me…. Too much of anything is bad, whatever or however we say or do it. =0

today, i felt much more stable. but of course, i did still feel somewhat sad, but not that sad that i would want to kill myself. i still got to smile, and laugh. =)

Thank you Che, Jo(my lady-in-waiting, it's official! =) ) and Ellen. Of course, thanks Drew! =) and thanks to all my friends who are there (or here) for me. =) If i didn't have people to listen to me and to be just there for me... oh well.... you know.... And you guys make me smile. I am glad that you are all there for me. =)

I composed this poem today. And you know what, i was able to at least cry a little, therefore eradicating the need, for today, to hurt myself. it felt good after being able to cry, when i am alone, even if it were just 6 or more drops of tears. I really did have a hard time crying, to let all the sad feelings get out, in the past that was why i needed to punch walls or hurt myself. But today, i need not hurt myself. =)

Okay, so here is the poem. It sort of tells how i still feel::::

I cannot cry
I cannot die
I cannot say
How much I try

I look at pictures of you
And I end up wondering
Why I did such things
To make all things go wrong

In those pictures
I see you smile
How I miss you smiling at me
When now only a serious gaze you give to me

I wonder how long should I wait
To hear your voice again
To see you smile with me
To be just with you

To see your face light up again
When we see each other
To see your eyes happy
Comfortable together

When we can be together
Even without saying anything
That we can still be happy together
Despite the silence

I wait without knowing when
I wait without understanding why
I know I will wait for you
I know I will just have to wait

Waiting for the day to come
A day of knowing
Will you leave me
Or will you stay

A day of understanding
Of why such friendships
Start and die
Grow close and fade away

Will there be another chance
To start anew
Or to continue from where we left off
To continue life with you that is heaven to me

And then I cry
Still thinking of what might have been
If I did not make it worse
If I just did take time to understand, given more trust

And then I cry
Knowing I just can’t understand
Still feeling lost without you
Still missing you and only you

And I continue to cry
Deep inside
For whatever I do, whenever and wherever I am
Knowing that I still do love you

>>> i am now listening to mp3s and i remember a lot of memories because i am listening to mp3s that we liked.... =0

I was so unstable today, that i had the need to release my hyper energy by punching the walls. My right knuckle is well, reddish, but it didn't bleed as i expected it to. Although the skin is starting to show signs of breaking... you know, there are these reddish spots... and at my right index finger, there is this red but still white line.. i don't really know what it is.

Oh well.... DIdn't get to continue hurting myself, because i had to do some researching, last minute, for my cousin's children.... gotta sleep. HOpe and pray that no one dies in their sleep....

Ellen, thank you for taking away your shyness and signing my guestbook again. =) I do look forward to your entries too. =)

Well, when i think of killing myself, i think of either slashing myself, hanging myself, or punching walls(i want my knuckles to bleed, but i guess i am not that strong enough...). I even thought of hitting my head against our window, hitting it so hard that it would break and a shard would go straight to my head (but i guess my head isn't as hard as i thought, and it never did happen when i did try hitting my head against the window. But when doing these, i end up remembering you guys, so i try not to think about it anyway, and instead either hit my head against any cushion(the head rest in the car in the above mentioned situation), or i tuck my hands under my butts(thinking that my weight can stop me from me taking my hands out again), or i just sleep, tucking my hands under my pillow. I usually sleep. i don't know, but i think i have hypersomnia or something like that. Because whenever i feel bad, i do try to sleep it off, hoping that once i wake up, that i will lose all the "weird" and morbid feelings. But it never ends out that way, and i end up thinking again of a way to do it, and then stopping myself from doing so.. The same old cycle.... and then i remember you guys again.

This all started during my second year in high school, but it could have stemmed from earlier experiences in grade school. I started becoming a serious thinker, and in a way hated all things while still loving them, when i was in grade 5 and lost my bestfriend to a different peer group. I guess it consumed me that i lose my bestfriend to those group of people, and i felt so alone without her. I lose my second bestfriend because she said i was too aggressive, that the relationship was too stifling. She waited for a while and only told me about it when i asked her, which was already after too much hurt was felt. My third bestfriend, which is still my current bestfriend, well, i was afraid to lose her, but i guess all the fear did take a toll on our relationship then. I met my third and current bestfriend during my second year, the year i did start thinking of killing myself. But then i also lose her, but was able to get her back as a friend again during my third year in high school and i found out that our relationship works much better long distance, and that even up to now, even if we don't see each other, and talk to each other, that much, we are still as close as ever. And i know i met Joanne Yao, and i think i am afraid of losing her too.... Too afraid when she already promised me that i wouldn't be losing her; she said, "Di ako mawawala. Promise. =) " But still, why do i feel afraid, and why do i want to kill myself? Weird me....

There... Ellen, thanks. =) Thank you for the hugs too. =)

Probably you guys can help me think it out a reason why i do feel like this? =)

Carlo, I am not angry. =) But i did still state my answer because i really did hear the person at the video saying mercury. =)

Joan, Thanks a lot. =) I will try to confide, when i am ready.=) You really want to be my Lady-in-waiting? =)

Lately, the truth, i feel the urge to kill myself, but in the end i would end up going to straight to bed and just tuck my hands under the pillow and let the feeling pass. I would always get to think of doing it, while in the car, at school etc.... But in the end, i try to throw the thought away. I did promise my bestfriend i would not kill myself. I even remembered telling this to Joanne and she said that if i did commit suicide, she'll cry.

And then, it comes to this: will people cry for me when i am dead, either due to natural death or thru suicide? Will they cry for me because i have made a difference in their lives? Am i able to do something that will help other people or am i just a pain?

But don't worry, i will keep on fighting the urge to kill myself or hanging myself... I will try to be more positive and to look forward.... Well, this is my outlook for today. =)

I can't really say that i am really happy today, but i can't also say that i am sad. What a weird feeling it also is to feel neutral.

Not much in the mood to blog....

About Starry Sun, i heard that she is conscious. That is better. about the guy, they said that his name might be Oliver... but still, I am not sure. There is no official news from the school administration, surely the DLSU system is keeping mum about this....

I hope and pray that Starry recovers soon.

Ellen, thank you for signing my guestbook. =) You can still do it. =) Exam on friday, hmmm, i also have a digisys quiz that day. =) We can both do it! =) hehe =)

Did anybody of you, from the College of Computer Studies, heard about a girl being stabbed twice by an obsessed guy, who likes her, at the 4th Floor Girl's C.R. at Gokongwei Bldg. ? Some of you probably know because i have told you what i have heard going on, and in a way "strengthened" by the drops of blood that i did see from the door at the first floor stair's exit near the Taft Entrance up to the door of the Boy's C.R. at the ground floor of Gokongwei Bldg.. There is no final or official statement yet. I will share what i heard in a few days. I think it would better if it will be officially announced, so that the facts can be set straight.

I hope that the girl, Starry Sun, is doing well, and that the obsessed guy, be either thrown to jail or go through treatment/rehabilitation....

What a world it is, Planet Goks....... In a way i felt safe here, until i heard this happen.... What's happening to us.....

Attended Pasicatchan last night. It was great! =) I didn't really want to go, but i did, in a way[some way or another], 'promise' (on my side, and in my context) Joanne Yao i will go. =) And i am glad i did. =) I was seated in the fourth row from up front, with Drew and Arcy besides me. =) We, which means me included, also cheered loudly for our batch, and i haven't done that since highschool. This is why my throat kinda hurts a little today. =) I heard that our batch, 2t4, won the singing part, and second place for dancing. =) We can still do it! Let us beat the lower batches next year! =)

There is this play that we have to watch in exchange of a midterm exam in Relstri. But it is on a Sunday, 11/17/2002, and my parents told me that they wouldn't be able to drive me to the place where the play will be held. Therefore it leaves me two options: to drive there or to commute. I cannot drive there because i don't really know where it is, although i know where Padre Faura and Taft are. But still, where will i park the car? And what if i hit other cars while parking? =) So, i have to commute. But with whom? Carlo is not yet sure how he will be going. So i asked Drew last night. I am lucky enough that he said that he would accompany me going to the play, since he would be going too, and he would also accompany me going home. =) Drew will be going to our(my family's) place, and we will ride a taxi to the GSP auditorium and back to my place. I have just e-mailed him a "map" of how to get to our place. =) Hope he doesn't get lost. =) (Or else we would both miss the play. =) ).

Ah, we still don't have 2 other companies for our BUSPROC research paper!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and the paper's due NOV. 18! =0

Might probably go to the gym tomorrow. =) hay..... i also need to have SIX teeth extracted. grrrrr...... four bicuspids and 2 wisdom teeth from the lower set of my teeth. grrr....

Ellen, thanks for signing my guestbook. =)

Today, will watch Pasicatchan up until 9PM only. Oh well....

Another day....

I didn't attend Relstri class today. i also didn't attend Theopro (and with such luck that i have, i ended up not being able to take a "QUIZ" which would have added more points for my grade. GRACE! YOU"RE SO DUMB TO FEEL THIS WAY!). i don't feel like going to class today. I feel bad, if not bad, i don't know. Probably something weird, or probably something that i prefer to keep and not know when i perfectly know what the feelings are: jealousy(?), loneliness(?), angry, restless, suicidal, and the list can go on. I will also probably not go to Theopro, i feel that i don't want to, and this is definitely not me, though it is really me that is doing it.

Drew, if you do get to read this, i e-mailed you something. just read the one that i sent to you through gracelth@yahoo.com

I am acting weird lately. Weird that it affects even all my relationships.

The thing is i can't tell the person that i love how much i love "the person". Probably i don't handle keeping this feeling secret well. I want to be open about it, but once it does get out, what do we expect to happen? Total disaster. Total devastation. My heart to be crushed. Fearing for the worst, that is what haunts me everyday. To be just silent, although i get to show it, though it is seen differently. I tried telling it to "the person", but "the person" didn't get it. Probably not the time yet for the person to know, but still...

i hope that i can support this person in every way that i can, despite feeling down when i can't do anything at all, to at least make this person happy or to just help the person. I would like to tell you all about who this person is, as i am deem to type out in a day or so, if i am really down and out, if i won't be able to keep it anymore. As i am typing this, i would accidentally type the name of "the person" or just the pronoun for "the person". Luckily, i get to spot those "accidents", so that you guys won't get to know anything about "this person" yet. =) [and now i get to smile a little]

The "you" in all my entries refer to just one person. And this one person is "the person". The person can be both far from me, yet still near. Funny loving a person, only to end up losing this person because of my stupidity, ignorance, sudden outbursts. Probably the person got tired of me already, as we are prone to when we are just presented with too much of what one offers over and over again. But hoping against all hope, i still hope that our relationship can go on, and on and on.

Being close, yet still feeling far.
To hug and to touch
Yet still not feel
Yet still not understand.
To see everything
Yet still not able to comprehend

Great is my deception
Great is my woe
Great is the lies
But great is my love

Losing you
My greatest fear
But making you suffer
is greater a fear than anything else

To be silent
To be there
To be always there
There to love you

Will you ever see it the way i do
Will you ever love me
Will you ever keep me
either as friend: more or less than that
Will you ever be mine...

well, i did think of killing myself last night, but i brushed the thought away by telling myself that i need to eat first. my own attempt was therefore foiled by my own want to eat...... Probably i am a boring person, because i feel so aloof today.... No, probably people are bored of me. Are you guys bored of me?

I love YOU! who YOU are, you don't even know................................

Ummmm......... Nothing really. =_)

November 9, Saturday: We have class for Webdeve, to present the second milestone.... Grumble....... Yawn........ Haven't finished the sequence diagram yet.... will do it tomorrow morning....... zzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Currently online, ICQ-ing with Joanne Yao..... Carlo said a lot of people are online.... i can only see him, Johnny, Zaide, Peggy and Joanne online.... Hmmm.... are the others under "invisible" mode? =) (Yawn......)

Nothing much to post, but i do know that i knew what i was doing when i was answering the third digisys quiz i took today. =)

It's weird not feeling hyper as i was the other week. But anyway, better to be happy still, though calmer, than not. =)

Guys! Added a Guestbook Link already. =) And also another link to a new blog place of mine. =) I'll link everyone else when i do get the time to design a new layout, and i hope with Drew's help. =)

Take care! =)

Stll one hour more to go.....

But thinking of life, what have i done? will i be leaving something to be remembered by?

Arcy said that i can be a guidance counsellor (or she probably said counsellor; i don't quite remember it well) =) The truth is, i feel very much honored if people share problems or insecurities with me. =) For me, it means that i am trusted, and that i am capable enough to listen to another person's problems/insecurities. =) Hmmm.... =)

"I love you, that despite the 'distance', my feelings for you will not change. That even if we grow and you don't get to give it back to me, i knew that i have loved you, as i do now. Just don't forget me, don't hate me, don't despise me. Just let me love: love all, love me, but best of all, love you." ~ Grace Limtanhoa

Oh, just remembered, another poem of mind, composed yesterday. I hope you guys are not tired of my poems yet. =) :::

Steady Heart
Heavy with fervor
Filled with love?
Is this what it is?

Not knowing
Never telling
What my heart does
Feel full in bloom

Do you know not what it is?
Feel not what it is?
Just how does one say
What must be known?

Should I keep silent?
Should I stay behind?
Should I slink away?
And die my way

Hearing nothing
Feeling everything
Seeing all
And getting most of all, some but not none

Will you never know
What is felt
As you will never see
What is kept by me…

Tears not shed
But memories not forgotten

Never can I forget the touch of your hands
Never to forget your smile
Never to forget the light in your eyes
Never to forget you in entirety………………………….

Updates, updates! Do i need to? Hmmm.....

What do you guys want to know? =) Just go to my guestbook to give me ideas of what i need to write about (that is if you want me to share anything that i might not think of sharing... =) )

Well, i am not doing much right now. Just surfing the net, well not really, i am just checking for email and updating my blog. =) I am still at school, the time of which is 2:05 PM. I still have to wait for my brother, whose class ends by 410 PM. =)

But I got bad news to you guys, and i feel bad for J.L. Mendoza: he has measles! It is not that i am spreading the word because i want people to be scared because he got an infectious virus in him, rather i would like you guys to text him, to tell him that we or you hope that he gets well soon. =)

Oh well, but i would like to ask you guys: Am I possessive or something like that? Am I too sensitive of people, events and/or things? What can you guys say about me, like what are my good and bad traits? What are your first impression of me? What do you think of me? You guys are great, but still, asking wouldn't be too much, right? =)

Anyway, until next time! =)

("-")

I have been moody lately... I am sorry if i might have had hurt anybody's feelings. It is weird though.... (Am i having mood swings, or multiple personalities?!?!?!) =)

I am very sorry Joanne (Yao) for being this way, but thanks for staying with me. =)

Drew!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My block next term would be S19. I asked Carlo to tell you. =)

I think, this is all that i can say for now. =)

Yesterday, Nov. 1, we went to the Chinese cemetery. But it all started with me waking up from leg cramps by 5:55 am (the cramp is still bothering right now). I can't sleep after that and my mom eventually came into our room to wake me up. After that, we left home by 8 am, when we should have left by 7 or 7:30 am. We went to my aunt's house to get the food that will be needed to be brought to the cemetery to offer to our dead relatives. We probably arrived at my aunt's house by 830 am and left sometime by 920 am. We just rode on a taxi to the cemetery, which dropped us off at the north gate entrance of the Chinese Cemetery. We walked to my grandparents' tomb (mother side), and set up the candles and stuff (i was asked by my mom to paste this sheets of colored paper on my grandparents' tombs. And boy, my right knee then locked itself up and i have to force my right knee to bend so that i could move my left leg). after that i went out with my uncle to visit the tombs of other relatives. On my way to those other relatives, i saw Genina Lao. (just imagine how i could have walked through those roads all my life, and would only know found out that i could probably seen the people that i now know.). I did get a terrible headache after all the walking and the burning of paper money. When my uncle and i were back at my grandparents' tomb, we ate a little ( i ate 4 sticks of barbecue, a stick of ice cream, and drank 2 bottles of water). And since one of my highschool batchmates' grandparents tomb is just the one in front of my grandparents' tomb, i got to talk to her, her name is Aileen Dy, and got to chit-chat a little about life at the respective universities we are in. After that, they had to go. 30 minutes later, we were also starting to pack up. Joanne and i were texting each other, because she also went with her dad and little brother to visit her grandparent's tomb, i guess, but we didn't get to meet with each other or else we would both end up getting lost at the cemetery(and that is a spooky thought).

My mom, my uncle and I arrived at my Aunt's house again by 3 something in the afternoon, after a bumpy ride on another taxi. When i got at my aunt's home, i went straight to the living room, sat and slept. They had a hard time waking me up to eat some soup and noodles. After eating, i went back to sleep until we had to go. In the car, i still had the headache and slept the whole time on the way home (only the left side of my head hurts, and it would worsen everytime i move). At home, my parents' told me to call for delivery. I didn't eat anymore because i gained 5 pounds for this day. I just went to my room to relax, listening to mp3s before i went to take a bath sometime by 8 pm. After that, i stayed up until 1030 pm i guess, texting with Joanne Yao while still listening to mp3s. What a day! =)

How about you guys? how did your day go? =)

Ta-Tah! =) "Love..... is a many splendored thing...." :-)