Grace's Mind-it-on-your-own

Carlo, thanks for signing my guestbook. =)

I can't really say that i am enjoying the braces and China, but i guess i am enjoying it, in a way. =) I got used to my braces already, but still, it is really hard to eat and chewing only with the left molars. About China, it is nice, but it is really darn cold (if only it would be sunny all day... at least to give off warmth...). But i do end up thinking of a lot of things, about the past and such, whenever i am not doing anything at all, or when i see something that can be associated to any memory, especially recent events... Oh well....

My body is not really doing great. the back of my neck hurts, my back hurts, my knees hurt, and my feet feel as if they are frozen, that they are bound to split into pieces if i walk any further in the cold(but feels great when you pass warm water over it... ha... =) ). I am always sleepy whenever i am in the bus; well, everyone in the bus sleeps whenever we have to travel for an hour or so. =)

Well, gotta go for now. =) Just wanna use up the one whole hour so as not to waste the 30 yuan or 70 phil. pesos hourly rate for the use of the internet here at the Zhejiang International Hotel's Business Center. =0

See you guys at school! =)

At last, found a computer at the business center here at the hotel. =) I miss blogging for, let's count, 4 days. =)

Oh, Keren and Che, thanks for signing my guestbook. =) How did you guys enjoy your holidays? =)

Well, China is okay. But one thing i hate about it: it's too darn cold here, freezing cold! =0 We had to buy scarves and gloves so as to keep us warm, but still, those things aren't enough. We wake up early here since we go with a tour group. We usually ride the bus to go around to places. If not, we would be walking around even if it is really cold.

About me and my braces, well, i guess we are both doing fine with each other. I eat congee when i may; i usually have to eat what they are eating, but of course, i have to choose what i eat carefully. I can't risk anything happening to the brackets or else i would be the one having the hard time. I usually choose those that are soft and easily chewed. I can only chew with my left molars. I can't use my front teeth, and the right side molars somewhat hurts. Oh well.... =) at least i get to eat. =) And i thought that the braces would help me not eat too much so as not to destroy my diet. =) I just hope that i don't gain too much ( we usually just sit at the bus, and of course ending up sleeping... =0 ) weight. ***prays really hard****

I am keeping a journal of my trip here, writing it in a small notebook in bullet form. I will upload it when i get back to the Philippines. I have to pay 30 Yuan for an hour's use of internet, which if multiplied to 7 pesos, is equal to 70 Phil. Pesos per hour! =0

I miss you guys! =0 I miss Joanne Yao, Arcy, Drew, Che, Joan Wee, Johnny, Carlo, Ad, Ellen.... I miss you guys! and i miss a lot more people. I usually end up thinking of you guys when i am just sitting at the bus....

Anyway, see you guys next term! =)

I will blog as soon as i get home. =)

Braces on teeth, fitted yesterday, and now, it HURTS! All i get to eat is CONGEE!

Nothing much to say yet. Wait till i get back from China. =)

I will get to see my bestfriend this monday, though i don't like how my braces look on me now because my teeth are super crooked, as the orthodontist did say.....

Grrrr.... i guess i will live through all these. =)

Take care and God bless to all! Merry Christmas and a Happy new year! =)

Che, thanks for the cheer. =) No, you are not going crazy yet.=)

I passed all my subjects this term. Thank God. =) I also get to keep my laptop.

A lot of "surprising" things happened to me this week. Please read my entry at my ujournal page.

Well, i gotta go. I need to finish translating something for Tzu Chi. =)

(My teeth will be fitted with the braces tomorrow. Hope i'll live through the pain. =0 )

Thanks Jo and Ellen! =) Now there are four of you guys: Carlo, Che, Jo and Ellen. Yey! =)

I haven't even studied for my linalge final exams tomorrow..... I'm dead...... I kept on sleeping most of the day.

Yesterday, i went to the gym by 9am. I was suppose to wake up by 8am so that i can leave by 830am, but then guess who slept in? =) I woke up by 830am and got to leave by 9am, so i arrived at Slimmers by 915am, i guess. The Personal Training session lasted until 11am. When i went back home, i was still so sleepy. (Imagine, even if i was working out, i was still sleepy.... gosh... what's happening to me?) After that, i ate lunch (lechon biik(one whole) with rice! my parents' friends gave it to us). Then i went to sleep because i was unusually tired. my mom woke me up by 3pm, sort of joking around and stuff, telling me not to think much about my problems... Then i needed to leave home by 330pm to see my orthodontist. I arrived at the orthodontist's by 4pm, and within 10mins, she had already put on the separators in between the molars; she said that i needed to have these separators on for a week so that at least by the time she is going to fit the braces on me on the 21st, it will be easier to adjust. I went home, not feeling anything. When i got home, i went to the office to help out. by 5pm, we left the office to see my mom's endocrinologist and waited until 7 or 8pm(we arrived by 6pm). Then we ate the Floating Island restaurant in the Hospital(makati Med). Then we went over to my aunt's place at Pasay and then went home. When we got home, i was so tired that i went straight to sleep, after listening to some mp3s.

i was suppose to wake up by 8am today, but i kinda hit the alarm clock shut and i kept on putting my celphone's alarm on snooze.... Luckily my mom woke me up by 9am because she had this problem with the computer and asked me to fix (which i did get to). then i went on to prepare for my granddad's chinese birthday. i didn't get to do any studying anyway. I took a bath by 930 am, and continued with all the preparations until 1030am. then my godfather and godmother came over to bring gifts by 1045am. we didn't get to talk much since we have to leave by 11am for my granddad's birthday. We left by 1115am and arrived by 12nn. Once there, at Gloria Maris Greenhills, we ate until 3pm. I arrived at home by 4pm, and guess what i did once i got home? I slept up until 630pm. i was so full from lunch and the separators in between the molars started to make me feel a little pain, much more pain if i chew on something, like it did when i was eating Asado or any meat... Grrrrr...... and the braces, once fitted on me, will hurt my more.... yikes...... by 630pm, i ate dinner and then.... well, my mom was suppose to use my laptop to get some of her work done, but her files are infected with this XM.Laroux.E virus, and i told her that i can't let her use my laptop or else my laptop will get infected and what else would i use.... I was surprised that she said that it is okay, that she will use our older and "infected" computer at home.... (she was fed up with it this morning because she said it was so slow. we kept on asking her if she can buy a new one for next year.... =) ). I was done eating lunch by 730pm, after which i was setting up my laptop for my mom's use and also the printer, but since there is the virus, i have to move the printer back again to the room where the older computer is, so i have to shut the older computer down again and restart it after doing so a few minutes ago. After all that, i decided to update my virus definitions, which led me to see Carlo online and now i am blogging despite not having reviewed for the linalge exam yet.... OH,God help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

See you guys soon! Gotta study..... Really STUDY........

("-")

James, sorry for the short introduction..... =)

Well, i met James at ICQ. What really drew me to kinda want to know him was because he loves camping, hiking, the medieval times.... And when i got to "talk" or message him, i did enjoy his company. =) and he "supports" me in my diet, as long as i do it right and not starve myself. =) I guess i met him four years ago, i think. We don't get to talk/message each other much, but a reply or a suddenly message would never seem so long ago. =)

And something for today, for Grace to start anew. I would need all your help, from all of you, my friends::::::
Starting today, whenever you see me or you feel that i am starting to blabber about too much things negative, or be too overanalytical, or to be too paranoid, or too negative or starting to show signs of being violent etc (anything that may lead me to become more violent or suicidal), please remind me of any and/or all of these:

" you don't want to hurt Joanne again, just like you did in the past."
"be patient..... don't overanalyze. don't be paranoid. don't be violent. don't be suicidal."
"you must think positive. you must change for the better."
"you don't want what you have done to Joanne (being suicidal and unpredictable and violent and all), to happen to Joanne again, or to anybody else."
"you must change so that you can face the world."
"you must change so that you can start your friendship with Joanne anew."
"you must change so that
"don't start again on being negative and all."
"you don't want what happened between you and Joanne to happen again. You want to be able to not scare people because of your attitude."
"You want to be a better person, for both of you(Joanne and me)"
"Think happy thoughts, be positive"
"Control your emotions; control your negative outbursts"
"you don't want to hurt Joanne...."
"Control your emotions and outburst; you don't want Joanne to be frightened of you, you don't want her to get hurt, you don't want her to not to talk with you again...."

--- or something like these...... especially if you guys feel that i am starting to go "crazy" again, or if you feel that i am starting to stray to those dark scary, suicidal and fiery thoughts.

Please. I need to have some sort of support group, as you guys have been.... but now, i am trying to change for the better, but to be effective, i think i really need a support group. Any volunteers? =) Please...... (am i really asking for volunteers? or am i already asking you guys to do so? ) =) Carlo and Che already said yes.... it is not that i need more, but more would be better, right? =)


.

James...... I am sorry................. =)

Well, here is your name: JAMES. =)

Guys, i have a friend named James.... He is from Georgia. =) Nice friend of mine... =) Met him at ICQ. =)

Drew, it is so hard to be so near yet you don't even talk to each other. You are just right in front of the person, and yet.... there is still the tension. And i can't even talk..... and the person wouldn't even talk to me.... Face to face....... Trying for our eyes not to meet....... the person obviously trying to keep as much distance as possible.... Although today, the person is just across me, a table in between us.... And you can still feel the coldness that she tries to throw your way............... I just can't face her, can't see her eye to eye, can't even say a word.... How it destroys my world, when i always expressing myself. But why is it that at these times that i should express what i want to, then i just don't have the words to say.....

Hay...... She is still here..... 1:12 PM.....

I am crushed...............

Destroyed.......................

What i feared most from the start................... came to reality..................

I am, i guess, out of that person's life. If she can just do that, always, and leave you alone.....to not "see" at all..... to be blindspot of her eyesight.

just when i should be saying something.... but she is talking to someone else.............................. you're crazy grace............... even trying to live it up............... trying to look forward............. for nothing at all.

137pm and still here........

weirdness is still in..... 1:45pm.... and i still don't have the guts to talk......

I am not ready for the Linalge exam yet. And i need 74% to pass..... Will i make it? I pray that i would.... Don't want to feel sad and think about it over the holidays.... Must pass, or else my mom will take my laptop away.... buhuhuhu =(

I will be officially have braces on the 21st. Tough luck.... how will i enjoy eating during the holidays....... soup and congee? woohoo......

i have updated journal at www.ujournal.org/users/titagrace Just check this out for a different entry i had just typed today. =)

Took a test found from Che's page, so that means she took the test. and here is my result:::: =)

Poems i made while listening to the compositions of Kevin Kern, hence using his composition titles:

Blossom of the Wind
Hiding from the light
Looking through your eyes
divine
Looking back at me
What now do you see of me

You are standing there
Despite my sorrow
Cannot face my life
Cannot face you at all

Blossoms in the wind
To smile
To laugh
To live
Is hard

To love
To stay
To be silent
Oh, why

Look at the evening sky
To an infinite world
Blankly living a life
Even that of my own

Not to see you mine
To live with memories gone
To live each day
With you gone, alone

How do I
Stay the same
How do I
Continue to live this way

Where are you
Where do I go
Where do I stay
Where do I stand
Alone in the dark
Listening to the wind
Blossoms of your voice
Singing with the wind
Goodbye
Farewell
Is this how it should go
With the wind
Amiss tomorrow
In a world filled with shadows


Through your eyes
How I see you smile
Whenever you are with me
Having the fun of our lives

Thinking of the past
Of memories etched in my heart
How they come back
To me now

In your eyes I see
Your love was so free
In my heart I feel
What it is to love

Living life as it should be
Missing your smile
your love
you

Look at you now
How far have you gone
Leaving me alone
Where we began

Here you are
Just in front of me
But in the present
I am the past

Looking at you
I still feel lost
Lost in the depths of your eyes

You are the cradle of my heart
Holding what was
And still is joy

You are me
Hoping to find a way
But I found my way
In you

But living today
I must strive to live
As I did
Whenever I look into your eyes
As I did when I look into your eyes
Into your eyes

Childhood Remembered

In my childhood
I remember
How it was not to be loved

To be there for each other
Was all that I ever want

To love as if there is nothing
Can ever separate the world

How I wish that I was back to then
To leave this lonely heart behind

Oh, how I wish of those times of innocence
To be free of these questions
To leave behind a world of sadness
To find where my heart belonged

To see the world with such gladness
And not think of the world alone
To love and see life in its greatness
To leave nothing alone

(violins)

And here in the depths of the enveloping darkness
To look for where it once was
To find myself in the corners
Of a dark, empty room

To see what it was in the world
That I thought I grew to belong
To find the meaning of what love and life is
Despite not feeling that I belong

To find what life is
And to long
For what I wanted
To belong

The Silence of knowing

Knowing you are here
Sitting beside me
I felt what it
Was to love

To see you happy despite trials
To see you do your best every and all the time

I see you with me
singing melodies
Always being the one strong

That even in your darkness
You chose to
to stand
Do What you want

The silence of knowing
You and Your life
Of your love
And the world you live in

To see you
Be the best that life has given
That you can be
to live out your life as you want

Knowing you love me
Would make life perfect
To see the beauty in life

I will do anything
Not too lose
But too much
pushed you away

The silence of knowing
That I still love you
even if
You are far away

To know that you are happy
Despite away from me
I will try to be
Happy for you always

To see you up
And doing things in life
I hope that I
Can live it up

To be still there
For you
When you need
Just in case
I will come

Above the clouds

The world around us
Vast and untamed
The sky
A deep blue
As oceans are

Trees in the darkness
Stand high
And proud
Green and old today
Stands still for the time to come
Despite all that may come

To be alive now
To be what one can be
To find what it is in life
finding answers never to come

Above the clouds
So high, so light
Seeing the world
In a different light

I saw your wonder
And loved you whole

To love and to cherish
To be there when you need me
To give my life for you
To be just with you

To love you wholely
To love all
To stay despite hate
To love all and all
All about you, even your bad

Above the clouds
In the light of ever
Seeing you
And nothing else
I am blind to fall in love
To love you and none
For you are
The flower
In these eyes of mine
To know to love

Bathed in Dawn’s Light

The sun
Rising above the horizon
Giving light
To the darkness

Giving warmth to the freezing cold
To give hope
To a heart that longs

To shine
To guide us
To bring what it was
That was hidden

To be the start
Of a beautiful day

Bathed in dawn’s light
Your loved showered my soul with all the warmth and
Life became so brand new
And life was so true

You have brought light
To my darkness
Inside my soul

You are the light of all things
In my life no one comes like so
How can you just come and go
Leaving me, with memories of you

To love
To cry
To hurt
And even to die

Living anew
To see the dawn again tomorrow

Light you are to me
Even in the darkness I am in again.

To look for you in my hurt heart
To look for love
But you push me away
To give back what was not for you

To be alive
For oneself
To live

From this day forward

From this day forward
I will live alone
To search the world
For what I want

You have to leave
For what can I do
When there is no love

... not yet done

A secret grove

Fantasia’s lullaby
In my dreams
You are there
Everywhere
You are to me
How are you
You are

Lullaby
Or goodbye
How can i
Be still
Longing to be with you
In the realms of peace

How do you
Live up to it

.... not yet finished

A gentle whisper
.... to be composed yet

Why can't i stop thinking about it? i guess i just can't face the truth, of the worst to come.... I am still looking forward to getting the friendship/relationship back to where we left off.....

I hate myself.....

I will have two of my teeth extracted tomorrow... i hope that it will help me focus on the physical pain rather than of thinking and thinking of my matter with Joanne.... I hope too that i will be able to study... despite the pain of the tooth extraction....

I just think too much...... Too crazy, going crazy........... Should stop thinking........ Should be dead..................

I am not happy today... Thought of killing myself again...... I am afraid to lose somebody...... And for the second time, i was able to cry it out, when i called to talk to Drew......

I don't want to lose Joanne... Will we still be friends? She said that she is somewhat "nasasakal", or "strangled" in english (though i don't this is exactly the right word), with our relationship. though she also said that she was probably surprised (she said, "nagulat siguro").....

Hay.....

Che and Johnny, thanks for signing my guestbook. I am feeling much better now. =) Thanks. =)

Vinz, hi there... =)

I am feeling much better after talking with Joan this morning, Joan Wee. =) And i got answers to questions that have been bothering my mind for the past few weeks. =) Well, not really answers, but still, it made me understand some things.... And at least i can adjust accordingly, as decided after gaining some understanding and judging the situation. (Hey, i am applying Lonergan's method to self-transcendence in decision-making. well, not really, but i did start with experience, then understanding, judgement then decision.) =) At least now, i know that i must not worry too much. =) Again, i wrote a personal entry about this, and again, i am sorry if i don't share it to you guys though i keep mentioning about having a personal journal of what i am talking about. =)

But thanks for reading my blogs, still. =)

Joanne, thank you for the smile! =) (though i think you wouldn't even get to read this, but still, my heart cries out. =) )

Busproc: well, we had our defense today, and guess what: we got a 95! We pass! =) Haha.... Luckily the panelist was just Sir Molano; we were lucky Ms. Tangkeko wasn't panelling(?) today. =)

Oh, we don't have classes tomorrow because it is Ramadan.

On Saturday, 12/7, we will be having our WEBDEVE finals already.. I hope that i get a higher grade and pass this subject. I just don't want to take it again or take another subject... I am currently downloading the slides or the notes for this class/subject.....

Then on Sunday, 12/8, we have to attend this wedding of my dad's wedding godparent's son's wedding.....

As of 12/9, i have to submit the take home quiz given to us for our Digisys subject since they plan not to give a finals, that the finals is just optional. Cool huh? =)

And then on 12/10, our webdeve project will be due. I hope to finish my part of the project by tomorrow, since i just work on the html users manual... if you can call it a manual....

Ahh... too many things to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =0 I just hope that i can spend my christmas vacation in peace, without the need to think of having to course adjust before school starts..... Oh well..... and i hope that Sir Molano will give the new cellphone.... well, just in case.... =) but if he doesn't, its okay. =) It's just one of my christmas wishes. =) hehehe =)

Okay, enough for now... Sorry if i posted "my" project deliverables or things to do.... Just wanna make sure that i remember them even if i check my page, and my email. =) I am weird, right? =)

Yesterday was Joanne Yao's Birthday! =)

Of course, I am a day late in blogging about this. But anyway, i did enjoy it, and the birthday girl also enjoyed her day too. =)

I have written my own personal account, and i can't share it to you guys. But still, i want you guys to know that i am happy today too. Though last night, i did feel down again. But still, starting the day down but then finding that it can still end up right is already enough, right? =)

Our Busproc defense will be held tomorrow. And yikes, i feel that they(the panelists) will be asking a lot, i mean A LOT, of questions from us. Grrr.....I just hope we will survive and pass. Joanne's group's defense i think went well. Good for her! =) Well, gotta go. Need to make other changes, to whatever i think i need to do. =)