Grace's Mind-it-on-your-own

Keren, i did the necessary changes to my links. =)

Che, yup, i do have a lot of weird dreams. Last night, while thinking about the thesis proposal that i have to finish, i rested for a while, but my mind, and dreams were all about thesis proposals. The thesis proposal was going in and out of my mind. Did i get rest! =0

Didn't have class yesterday, Feb. 25. Morning, went to the gym with my sister. In the afternoon, i met with my groupmates to work our thesis proposal, a new one, for the 4th time, that is due today. Didn't get to sleep much, only for two hours.

Ended up thinking why when you need to find something the most at that certain moment, that you don't find it. Probably i am too tense and too tired. I don't know. Just wanna sleep, but am waiting for Drew....

Saturday, February 22, i attended a introca extra class the lasted an hour and a half. Since i was really really hungry, Drew and I decided to eat at Aristo again, ordering jap food again. =) after that, we walked around for a while. Once i got home, i slept the whole afternoon. Then by 5pm something, i went with my parents to Ongpin. After that, we ate dinner and after which we went straight to my aunt's house. While at ongpin, i was remembering that time during January 31, 2003 when i was with Drew, Ram and Joanne Yao. =) Funny how i remember them all, despite what just happened between me and Jo.... Nothing big.... just that we don't talk anymore. It's my fault... When i got home, i went straight to bed, and guess what, i instantly dozed off.

Sunday, February 23, woke up by 843am, but then slept again until 1030am, after which i should hurry and shower as soon as possible because we have to prepare for a party. At the party, it was a one-year olds party, of course what i just did was just sit, watch and eat. What do you guys expect? =) I can't see myself playing and joining the kids anymore. =) As a child, i was shy in joining those games during parties. I was never that aggressive. But anyway. =) After that, once i was home by 320pm, we rested for a while, then went to Spa 168 by 4pm. We left the place by 6pm. Wah.... We took a shower, stayed in the steamroom/sauna for 15 minutes and then the actual massage. i won't elaborate on what happened during the massage, but i one thing i do know, my body hurts (when it obviously shouldn't). i went straight to sleep after dinner. i was suppose to wake up by 3am, but guess who just slept through? =)

Am at school right now. With Jo Yao and Diane Ocampo. =)

It is weird how one can suddenly feel so down and out one day and be happy the next day. I was sort of down today, fearing things that i should not even think about, and should let go. But today, i feel the opposite; i suddenly smiled this morning, and still do up to now. Hope that i would continue to do so today until i sleep. =)

I had a dream last night (well, they are dreams, i guess, because i think there are three or four of them). When my mom woke me up, i was still tired. I dunno why, probably from the dreams? =0 Well, here they are::::
1. I was out with somebody and we were travelling somewhere. I don't know. We were just in the car.
2. I was then suddenly attending a party and then i was going up the stairs, but it was so crowded there. I went down after meeting people there. And then when i was downstairs, there was this woman who was sort of what one would call a grouch, and then we were sort of getting to know each other when we entered a weird dark room in the place. =0 Weird.
3. Jo Yao and Arcy Yao went over to our house. They were sort of staying overnight. They went to the office first, then they went straight to the house, the living room and sleep on the sofa. Arcy on the longer sofa, while Jo on one of the seats of the sofa. And then Jo and I were talking, and she was saying something about me continuing playing piano and stuff while staying close to me. And then i saw Christian Raquel and i don't why.

Then i woke up. Weird dreams.

see ya! ("-")

Thanks Jo(Wee) for the guestbook entry. =)

well, yesterday, i think i felt okay. =) I helped out at my parents' office, typing this and that, sort of backprints(terms and conditions of something) for a bank. they said that i am meticulous so more or less there wouldn't be much typing errors. ( if i weren't the one typing, i would still need to proofread what was typed. but since i am the one typing, i type and then proofread what i typed.). I then went to the orthodontist yesterday afternoon, for her to make adjustments to my braces. so far so good, my teeth are sort of lining up okay. =) and i was, i dunno why, so tired last night that i was already asleep by 1015pm.

today, i woke up from 3 dreams (yes, 3!) by 940am. Here are what i remember of them:::
-step family, word na “sincerely” on sand, and a nice place, with cliff and all green, beside the sea, so may shore/sand nakasulat ang sincerely
-weird mysterious thing with old house or something with “my” grandma daw. May tinataguan daw kami ( I dreamt of this na when I was younger), and ganun. And when we were back home, our butler was sort of mysterious na rin.
-boogie was telling/asking me na hahatirin daw nya ako pauwi, and I was sort of asking jo yao na hahatid ko siya pauwi but she said wag na. I said yes to boogie. Tapos boogie sort of went somewhere else muna(we were I guess in Gokongwei, room 402), and when jo and I were alone, I asked Jo,”ano” and she said, “sure ka na hahatid mo ako [or something like that]”

after the last one, i woke up. =0

i did feel bad just this afternoon, but anyway, i suddenly opened my sister's bible, read some passages, and then i prayed to God. After that, i somewhat felt lighter... I think, i haven't been praying much lately....

anyway, til the next blog. =)

Thanks for the guestbook entries, Jo Wee and Ellen. =)

Well, okay, Friday wasn't really that great, but at least i did try to enjoy myself. Glad that i was able to walk around with Drew. I really needed someone to just listen to me, and i am glad that Drew has been very patient with me.

Anyway, Saturday, February 8, I went to Slimmers, and asked my personal trainer if it would be possible to make the weights heavier or to add more sets to the stretches, sit-ups, crunches etc.... Ate Irene was glad, and she said that she hopes that i would always be "angry" so that i will be doing more sets and stuff. =) Of course, it would be better if i will do more if i am happy, right? =) Right after gym, i went straight to school since Drew and I volunteered for the afternoon part of CLIP (Computer Literacy Program) of the College of Computer Studies. Once i got to school, i had to wait for Drew until 1210pm, then we ate lunch at Aristo. After that, we attended the CLIP session up until 4pm. I then went home, Drew with me, and dropped him off at the 5th Ave. LRT station. It was nice to go out that day, because i wasn't really going to do anything if ever i stayed at home; i would probably just sleep and sleep and sleep. At least volunteering that day made it somewhat worthwhile for me

Belated Happy New Year to everyone. To you too Chanty.

But the truth is, i don't feel happy. I did something stupid, wrong, something unforgivable, if you would look at it from my perspective. I didn't talk with Joanne Yao..... Big deal for me..... I hate it when i didn't do anything..... She was so tense around me..... I just can't do anything else. I hesitated to say anything, fearing that i might be rejected or anything. And after that, i just went berserk... I have these feeling of wanting to get violent, and i did. I talked with a loud voice, and i just wanted to shout. I wanted to hit everything.. I want to keep on walking. I HATE MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But of course, i didn't do so much as kill myself yet. Drew was with me then, Vina too. And now everybody's here: Jo Wee, Ellen, JOhnny, Fed, Tommy, Drew, Che Tan, and Carlo (Ad's missing....). Well, it was lunch time then when i started going berserk, 1215pm something. And i decided not to attend my Japala class, and my ITRESM class as well. I just didn't want to, i didn't feel the need. And i just stayed behind, downstairs, listening to MP3s, full-volume. And now, i am just here, surfing the net, blogging... I jsut want to let the feeling pass. And i am sort of feeling nothing at all....

Pam Carpio came to school by 2pm. She sat with us for a while, went to the SC office, and then came back. When she was back at the table, she just sat there, sort of out of place, and she was kinda thinking of something. I knew that her dad is still in the hospital, and she was sitting there, thinking.... I was still listening to mp3s when i suddenly saw this picture in my mind, of me going over to her side, to just stay there and give her a hug. Well, i hesistated while still thinking that i shouldn't hesitate because i think that it would be a good thing to do, and it is something that i really want to do, something that i really want to share.... Just then, Pam decided to go to her class, even if it is still 215pm, when the next class starts by 240pm. I then called out, "Pam, wait!" But i guess she didn't here, so i quickly stood up (my body was feeling sort of woozy, but i did my best to follow Pam.) Pam was already by the stairs. I just hurriedly walked and when i found out that i couldn't easily catch up with her, i called out to her again. Now, she heard me and stopped to look at me. I then asked her, "Can i give you a hug?". She then suddenly smiled, and with arms outstretched, accepted the hug that i gave her. After that, she thanked me, still with a smile. And then she went on up to class. I was and am still bewildered by my own actions. But i just needed and felt that i should give that hug, at least to let her know that somebody still cares, and i that i still "see" her. I just felt the hesitation, but then i still impulsively went on and hugged her still despite the hesitation. When i went back to the table, i said, "i just hugged somebody.". And it somewhat feels good to know that you did something that you really wanted to, that you followed your heart, your feelings... And i sort of felt lighter then. Thinking now, hers is a heavier burden than mine. I probably did it because i wanted to feel good, but still, a part of me said that i really did, sincerely, want to hug her, that i care for my friend as a friend. I don't know there are too much maybe's.... And i was able to shed some tears.... And it was better, i guess. Although a part of me wished that she did feel good. I just hope so. i hope that i am not trying hard to. Because i know that it was natural, it was sincere, and i came from the heart, with no lies, deceit, deception.

Anyway, later. ("-")

last friday, january 31, 2003, i went out with Joanne Yao, Ram Ferrer and Drew Ramos to go to pray at a temple with Jo(jo invited us). =) i had a wonderful time. =)

it was also the first time that i got to ride the LRT. =) Well, i have ridden jeepneys before, but last friday was the first time that i ended up stepping on somebody else's foot. =0 Yikes! Drew said that i shouldn't worry because it is only normal. =)

I enjoyed walking around. =) I hope that i could go out more often with them. =)