Grace's Mind-it-on-your-own

I am in school today. Well, am actually doing nothing other than surfing the net. Funny thing how we had a finals for INTROPE(Introduction to Operations Research) and a third quiz for INTROCA(Introduction to Computer Architecture) last night.

Actually, this week, i was kinda feeling, i don't know, not sure of myself. I am, at times, happy, elated, but then i would also feel sad, angry, jealous. I know i shouldn't be feeling this way. But i can't stop feeling this way as of now.

My class starts 450pm. It is now 1015am.

Oh well....

Went out with my sister and her friends Saturday night to watch "Tears of the Sun" at Rockwell. The truth is, one reason why she wanted me to tag along was that all her "girl" friends brought their boyfriends along. So with me around, she wouldn't be really alone.

But anyway, i think my sister feels that it is better that way, to be single for now, especially after her break-up with her ex last year.

I didn't feel out of place, because probably i had always seen them when we were all still in Jubilee. And they didn't really fuss over me, but just treated me just like one them. The guys and the gals separated, and i went with my sister and her friends as they went window shopping. They weren't shy with me around. They talked whatever came under the sun. And also they tried to include me in what they were talking about, but not pushing it much. =)

We watched the last full show. Oh, another reason why they watched the movie was they were setting up a fgirl friend of theirs to this guy. Anyway, i don't really know much about it. We got home by 1:30am. Once at home, i slept as soon as i was able to type down my personal journal.

I woke up by 10am today, and have kept on sleeping even after breakfast and after lunch. Bad, bad, bad.... But i will do my take home quiz for Intrope once i finished checking my e-mails and updated my blog. =)

See you guys! :)

("-")

Hahaha =) Drew, tell that to Ad. =) Hehehe =)

Anybody in favor of the law in which cute and Ad cannot be in the same sentence? =)

I hate it today, because I am becoming very particular about the place where I sit. That is weird because I didn’t really mind at all in the past. It was usually okay with me to just sit anywhere, as long as I had a table all to myself, and for my friends. This is why it is very weird for me to become very “possessive” of the spot that I usually occupy. Really weird. Nobody owns that spot, anybody can use it. Guess I was just so used to it, being a little obscure to the public a little, though there is no such thing as being obscure since people coming in from and going out through the Taft Gate would always see the people sitting by the tables there. Just plain weird of me.

As i have said, we would fail our IT-RESM and we did fail today, as of 11something a.m.. But the thing is, i didn't cry or what. Probably because i already expected it to happen. I would occasionally zone out for a while, when i was alone today, but anyway, more or less i was okay.

I didn't really know if i should tell my parents already by lunch, so i had to ask Jo Yao and Arcy Yao. Both said i should, and so did Lizette. So i did. My mom asked, "Ano dapat nyo gawin? [what do you need to do?]". I told her, "as of now, there is nothing that we can do. we must retake it during 4th year 2nd term. i will be delayed by one term." And my mom didn't say reply anymore. When they got home tonight, i thought that she was going to get angry at me or anything, but i was surprised that she talked to me calmly and asked me things and stuff. I didn't dare eat dinner with them tonight because i was afraid that my failing it-resm will be the topic while eating, so i told them to eat first while i was assembling the chair that my dad and mom bought, which will be used by my mom in the office. Thank God they didn't get angry. It is not that i really wanted to fail.

Anyway, at last, i can get free updates for my Norton Antivirus 2000 again. Hehe. =) had to uninstall and reinstall it again. Luckily Ad has a copy of the installation files in a CD and i just copied it so that next time, i wouldn't need to bug anybody by asking if they have an installer of Norton Antivirus 2000 (well, unless my laptop crashes... well i hope this never happens....).

I didn't attend my INTROCA class because i was attending to the redefense then. I didn't attend my 1-230pm class for Japala1 because i didn't feel like it, and spent the time with Jo Yao, Kat and Liz. And we didn't have IT-RESM class. So, it seems that i didn't attend any class. That is a first for me. =0

Got to go, again.. =) Just finished the LiveUpdate for Norton....

("-")

Thanks for the guestbook entry Ellen! :)

Yes, this saturday, i was at the orthodontist's clinic. She had just readjusted the braces (?). It is much more tighter that usual. But at least i can still eat and talk and do the things i think i need to do. :)

Saturday night, i also went to watch Pinoy Opus by the DLSU Pops Orchestra (of which JL and Ad are proud members of). they were great. the only thing was that we couldn't hear much of the vocals singing. Heard that the DLSU management didn't want the Pops Orchestra to handle that part of that sound system. Gr... But i think the 100 pesos we have paid for the ticket is worth it. =)

I know i should be studying. And my group and I will be reporting something today for INFOSY2 and i even haven't finished preparing for that yet. Got to go.

("-")

Yes Che, i hope that we won't fail. :) You're pretty relaxed lately. :)

Today,..... Well, today, i guess i can that i am happy. =)

Ad, Drew, Carlo, Johnny and Caleb went to Rockwell today to watch Star Trek Nemesis. =) They asked me to go with them, but i had class by 230pm, and they just left by 1030am something. So by the time we get back to school, i would have missed my class. and anyway, Jo left something with me, so i can't just go off and watch movies when i am asked to hold on to something for a while. =)

Tomorrow, i don't know if one can regard it as busy, but i will be going to the gym during the morning. then by 330pm, i have an appointment with my orthodontist. then i will go straight to school because i have to watch a gala concert by the Pops Orchestra which will start by 730pm and probably end by 10pm.

Oohh.... i know, i still need to research more for our reporting, and then also finish our infosy project paper (glad that the deadline for it was moved from today to next week). I work on these this weekend; and i really must work on it. =) Must, must, must.... =) [though i have this feeling that i might end up lounging around, and relaxing.... :) ]

("-")

Last night, or probably this morning, i slept by 220am. I was working on finding a list of applications similar to what we are proposing, which is literally a TPS or Transaction Processing System (which is said to be small in scope even the first time round). The transaction processing systems that are now abound in the internet are usually platforms, and are not the same with what it used to be in the past; and to think of it, transaction processing is deeply embedded in bigger systems, like erp softwares, professional services automation systems, and such. I ended up getting those softwares that are like our Syanad projects. There is nothing else that i can do for now.

To tell you guys the truth, i think we will fail this coming redefense, unless we are given another Chance(that is if they will still be giving us another one). But it was also my fault, for now saying anything, going on with the flow. And then there was this "keep-on-getting" information that i thought were relevant systems as i had just skimmed through them, online to find out too late that they were not what we needed. I kept on getting info/data that i thought of reading later on, only to find out they are all irrelevant (well, mostly all; some of them sort of led me to what i think was what our system was supposed to be: resource management, project management or workflow management). Anyway, too late for today.... I hope that my groupmates don't get angry at me.... Well, what can i do for now? Things have already happened, too many things.

Oh well, i hope for the best, though i won't take away the possibility of failing.... (if i fail, i have to wait for another year... yikes..... my parents would kill me.....). And then if i failed, i wouldn't be able to go with them to Europe next summer.... Aw..... =(

Yes Che, let us all laugh!!!!!!!!! :) Hahahahahaha :)

Yesterday, my parents fetched me from school by 10pm. Jo left by 810pm, i think. I stayed on at school and tried to search for more stuff for IT-RESM. I got home by 11pm, i think. While i was in the car, i played the Korean songs from my laptop, and when we got home, my mom asked me where i got them. Of course, i told her that Joanne let her CDs to me. =) Well, she told me to tell Jo that she would like to borrow them first, and even told me to ask where she bought it and how much the cds were. =) Funny. =) I thought she was going to get angry when i have copied songs into my laptop (well, she usually does, except for this case because i think she likes the songs... hehehe). :)

Currently at school right now. Early still i might say, 8am, like yesterday's 7am. Still sleepy. The truth is, i didn't feel like waking up this morning when my mom told me to wake up. It took me another 20 minutes before i decided to get up from bed. =) But i think, overall, i was happy today, and in a way, very happy, despite the headache caused by the head bump. =) And right now, at the start, though still feeling sleepy, i am still happy, i think. :) I just hope that i could keep being so the whole day. :)

Until the next blog! :)

("-")

Bwahahahahahhahaha! Nothing. =)

Just wanna laugh for a while. My head still hurts a little, and i am getting sleepy by the minute. Class will start by 1120am......

Ad, are you really THAT cute? :) haha :) Just joking. Didn't mean anything bad. ;) Thank you for your guestbook entry. :) I would love to write for a newspaper, if i could get a weekly column or something like that, but not now. =) projects galore are just around the corner. =) Hope that you weren't that late for the church service. =)

I had 5 dreams last night:

1. I was with Jo and the rest of her barkada. We were together again. We would hold hands again, and we were happy together. We were close again. Though in that dream, I did feel it weird to see these happening again because I was thinking that this couldn’t be possible, because we weren’t talking much yet. But then the thought that she remembered to lend me the Korean Cds that she said she would lend me way back in January at least something as her still remembering what she said to me, and that probably there is still some friendship left, and that she would keep her promise to me (?). I don’t know.
2. I was with somebody I don’t know. More or less, what I remembered of this dream was that we were walking to some place. I just can’t really remember anymore.
3. I was with Ellen Pe-Aguirre. We had finished going some place. And we were somewhat in Baler. And I told her that I saw her at New Manila and such, and asked if she lived there. She was saying kinda yes and no, that her uncle was living there and such. And we were walking to her place. She was saying sheesh or something like that.
4. Achi got angry at me because I was late in going out, I was probably at school and was late in coming out. She was with Flor and Liza Cham, and we were going to Celebrity Sports Plaza to go and swim (?). I haven’t met Liza yet, but seems in the dream that we know each other already. And then which led to us being to the next dream.
5. Achi and I were fighting but it was something else. We were inside some place where we were allowed to eat and mingle with other people our age. But seems like we were being locked in, and achi said something about me being right about things but that I just wasn’t able to use it correctly. She said this to me while I was looking out into the dark night, trying to find a way on how to get home. The place seems familiar to me, though I haven’t seen it in real life, but I think I do know that I saw these bridges in my dreams and that I have gone through them as I would have done so as I was driving in my dreams.

I woke up feeling weird. I had my cellphone’s alarm clock set to ring by 9am, but I woke up by 835am. As of now, my head still hurts from the strong shock I got when I bumped my head to the car’s frame as I was entering; I really did hit the car hard. Ouch…. I side of my head would hurt once in a while.

I did wish that I wouldn’t wake up yet, because I didn’t want to face anything in the world, and would like to stay in my dream world yet. I didn’t want to face the reality that I still have two papers to finish (the Infosy2 Project that I need to work on very much so that we could make it work; and then there is the research thing for the IT-RESM paper, of which the methodology and the applications table[research on systems that are similar to ours and then we have to see what modules they have etc, and put checkmarks so that we could at least benchmark our proposed system with them] again. )

But of course, we are going out to eat with Kogane. I just hope that I get home in time so that I could work on these. When I got home by 5pm, I was already really sleepy. In the car yesterday, I really didn’t want to sleep but I still ended up dozing off because of my “headache” from Friday’s “accident” of me bumping my head. Once at home, I fell asleep at once. By the time I woke up, I think it was already 6 or 7pm and mama asked me to go with Papa, Kogane ( t!9 ) and Elbert to eat outside. When we got back, I didn’t do much anymore. I did go check my mail for the technical stuff we asked from Nexus Technologies Inc.. And then papa asked me that Kogane wanted to connect to the internet, to check his mail and stuff. And I tried helping out, but since his laptop’s OS is Windows XP Home edition, I didn’t really know how to go around especially since it is in JAPANESE. I mean, if it wasn’t in japanese, I would have known how to go around, but since it was in Japanese, I was glad that Carlo Cabanlig was still awake when I called him up last night and he was able to help me out in creating a new “Dial New Connection” thing (in dial-up networking, under my network places…). And Kogane was able to use the net. I stayed there so that I could disconnect from the net once his done. But he finished doing so by 12mn. And once done, I went to my room and copied the songs from the Korean Cds that Joanne Yao lent me. =) It took me an hour more before I was done so (it was already 130am something when I slept, I think. But I had already started copying the songs from the cd to my hard drive [cda format to mp3 format] while waiting for Kogane to say that he is done and that I could cut/disconnect the dial-up connection to broline.) And that was it for yesterday. I would still remember Jo, but I think I can handle myself better now. =) Which is a good thing, right? =) I can still live without her, though having her and a lot of other people in my life as my friends have made life better, happier to be in, especially in happy times, but also in times when we are all tested through life’s constant battles with ourselves and with others around us affected by situations/events that can make the difference in making the choices that we do make. Oh well, gotta go for now.

While I am trying to think of things to do and to change in our group’s thesis proposal, I ended up listening to some mp3s first and then looked at these set of girls at another table probably four yards away from me. She was playing with this stuffed toy in the form of a dog. She would treat it as kids would often do when they want to show affection: the girl’s nose to the stuffed dog’s nozzle, the girl holding the stuffed dog and sort of tapping the dog’s nose to a friend’s hand lightly, and then putting the dog on top of a pile of books for a while as she works on her assignment or whatever it is that she is doing. I thought then struck me: “Did we ever let go of our childhood?” I mean, “Are we trying to hold back? Are we afraid to grow up and face the realities of harsh world because we need to leave the comfort and security that we have felt as we grew up year by year?” Not everyone grew in a secured and comfortable environment, but everyone does look back to one’s past.

I was suddenly struck by this thought because I also liked stuffed toys, even up to now, at the age of 20. I wouldn’t even allow my mom to throw or give away my stuffed toys, especially those that are on my bed. I am attached to them; and I usually take refuge in just holding these (or at least one of the stuffed toys) as cry myself to sleep when I have problems, when I feel so low and such, when I feel so unsure of things and even of myself.

As a child, I was never really able to tell anyone my problems. I would usually keep quiet about it, and try to figure it out, even if I really don’t know how to start. And I would just keep quiet, and in a way “talk about it with myself”, and that is where the stuffed toy comes in: it is the “other person” in my own conversation. I would console myself like this. It is not that my parents won’t listen to me or wouldn’t help me out, but then whenever I did something wrong or when I share something with them, they usually would end up putting me down instead of helping see things more clearer, and in more positive and strengthening way. With their remarks, I would feel that I am always wrong, though I guess they never wanted to imply that I was unworthy or anything else. Whenever I did do something wrong, they wouldn’t allow me to say my side because they said that my reasons were invalid and such. They wouldn’t even allow me to cry.

I think I grew up wanting to be strong, when in fact I am really weak inside. I do have my strengths, but of course, I have and tried to shield my weaknesses. At my age, I still feel unworthy, especially if I did something wrong and I knew that I was responsible. And I probably grew up with twisted or priorities that are set out of bounds, impulsively. We cannot attribute our being this way and that way because of our parents and our environment because as we grow up we are the ones who decide who we are going to be, how we are going to do this and that. We are the ones who will make our own choices. But right now, I am unsure of myself. I had a strong sense of self before I went to college. I was so sure of myself; I felt I was so loving to myself. But an event during my second year in high school happened during my third year in college, and I found out how I weak I was, how I became unsure of myself, how I hated myself, how I punished myself. But I also found out how deep I loved people around me, especially those who became a big part of my life, how I would be willing to do everything for them. I am of both extremes: a deadly combination. I wasn’t able to handle myself again as I pushed and enjoyed myself to one extreme, and ended up punishing me when I did something wrong therefore going to the other extreme. You can call me a suicidal person, a freak, a geek or whatever; it doesn’t matter.

But when I look back, I wished that I was a kid again. I somewhat felt a little loved then, and I did enjoy each waking day as I look forward to simple things to do and to happen, with no need to analyze and think and think of what may possibly happen. As a kid, things were much simpler. Yes, I admit, I am afraid of what reality may throw my way, afraid that I won’t know how to handle it, and there would be no stuffed toy that I can hold and talk it out with because I must handle what is thrown my way, despite my leaving it aside. I would always be facing it however I may try to run away from it, from my fears, from my weaknesses, from myself. I didn’t feel that secure as a child, but knowing that I might be thrown to somewhere it is much more uncertain, makes me fear the future more. I want to hold back, to hold on to my memories, and never let go; but in the process I end up “choking” friendships, “stunting” my growth, limiting my views, my dreams, myself, and the people who would have been and would be part of my life.

I do have dreams of getting married, having children(just two: a boy and a girl), and living a life working for a non-profit organization that aims to help make the world a better place. Too ideal, isn’t it? But for me, that would be the life. Of course, these wouldn’t just happen, because this is where reality kicks in.

But still, these don’t answer my questions/musings. “Why am I still holding myself back?” Because I am afraid of who I will become, of what I may do to people, to myself, to the world. Because I am still in search of myself. Because I am afraid of facing life alone. Because I am afraid, because I am weak. Because I just wouldn’t know how, because I might choose to be ignorant because it is the easiest thing to do and the easiest way out. Because I am making things harder for myself, when it can be so easy. Because of all the reasons, like those mentioned above, that I might give to myself. Because I am the only person who can convince myself to make decisions, to make mistakes, to make all those free-willed choices that would lead me to my downfall if I am not careful. Because I am afraid of uncertainty, and certainly I am afraid of being left out of place in a world where so many things happen and I can’t catch up because I have allowed myself to be far away from it or just thought that I didn’t care at all. Because I am afraid of one person: myself.

Now, you would ask: Where is God in your life? I don’t know, but I do know that there is a God out there who has made it possible for me to continue living, and be able to write this, and to meet the people that I love, as well as the people that I have hurt. But I have to admit, I did push God aside and became agnostic, but I would always go back to Him when my world is starting to shatter to pieces, when I think I couldn’t hold on to my life anymore and wanted to take my own life away. I have distanced myself from God because I somewhat felt He was uncertain, as I have distanced myself from others and chose to be close to other people because I felt secure with these people, but of which the security and comfort only lasted for a while. I have depended on people who were also searching and depended on God or some higher Being. And in a way, I am ashamed of being like this.

I feel like a fool letting myself writing this, because I am contradicting myself in some way. I don’t even know if I still make sense.

How I still love the people that I love, even if time, distance, keeps us apart. How I still love those that chose to distance themselves from me despite the closeness between us. But I am insane and stupid enough to fall for it, because I chose to. Therefore, I must face the consequences of my decisions.

Jo Wee, i have updated my links already. =)

Happy yesterday, as i am happy today. =)

This is good news, right? =)

Today, i love the world. =)

Although i know i should be working on my projects, i am still kinda feeling, what do we call this, sort of "relaxed". =)

'Til next time. =)

("-")

Jo Wee, Che, and Ellen, thanks for the guestbook entries. =)

Lately, i didn't have any dreams, which was in a way a relief. I heard some people saying that if a person is always dreaming, that the person is too preoccupied with something, that that person's mind is so disorganized, chaotic.... For the past two months, and even for the past year, i have been dreaming every night. It has only been during the last few months that i would two to three dreams during a night's sleep, making me feel so tired, very tired.

Saturday afternoon up to 10pm, my sister, brother and I were at Shangri-La Plaza. My sister and i accompanied my brother to watch 3 japanese movies. Weird movies, i may say. Once i got home, i quickly dozed off.

Sunday, we went to eat at BananaLeaf Curry House(?). AFter that, my brother, sister and i went to watch Daredevil at G4. It was my sister's treat to us. =) But since the movie will start by 315pm, my brother and I went to TimeZone to play first. AFter that, we watched the movie. We probably got home by 6pm. While in the car, i suddenly thought of how we attach things, events, places, memories, actions to some things, events,places, memories, actions and people that we have met. These people may have continued to be with us still up to now, some of them we have lost or have gone away, physically or just by distance. How it gets deeper into each person as it reaches to the memories that we have sometimes shoved deep into our hearts recesses, hoping to forget, but then due to these sudden "attachments", and despite us not really wanting to remember, this string of memories just come out of your heart, into your mind, and you just remember them, and you feel what it was like to be in that point of time again. I did remember bad memories, but i am glad that i have more good memories. I found myself smiling. Despite the current events in my life, how i am coping to be myself again, to be strong even if i am alone, i am glad to be able to look back to things/memories/people that i did once wished to complete forget. But right now, i am still feeling attached to one person. I hope that i learn to cope and not be affected anymore, that i can be myself and not be affected by what other people feel but rather be there for the people that may need my help and attention, to be there for the people that i love, for the people that i have set aside, for the people to whom i have done wrong to, for the people that mean a lot to me, even after what we have both gone through.

I just hope that i can sort myself out of this, to solve the problem deep inside me. To find who i am again, probably find a renewed person in me. And that one day, i can be proud to be who i am, and to love myself, and be my bestfriend, to stand up for what is right and what is just, to stand up for the people that i love, and to stand up for who i am, and to do something that would be of benefit to all, starting from myself. I am not being to selfish; i just really need to help myself so that i can help others.

Thank you for all the people that have been there for me. =) You are all great people. =) You know who you are. =)

Well, until then! =) I have to work on my INTCALB project as of now. [i am in INTCALB class. =) ]

See yah! ("-")