Grace's Mind-it-on-your-own

As I grow older

As I grow a year older
Neither did I grow instantly to consciousness
Of the world around me
Nor did I find out the answer
To life’s questions.

I went through my day
As if in confusion
Both happy and sad
Clear-headed
Yet straining to wake up
From a headache and a nightmare

It doesn’t matter if I grow
With each passing minute
Each passing hour,
Each passing day,
Each passing month
Or each year

I may still end up
Thinking and feeling
Like a child
And also at the same time
Thinking and feeling like an adult

But I am neither
Or is it that I am either?
For we never grow up
From being children
And we never grow up enough
To be an adult

I may have a different perception
Of life today
As I know did realize
And I guess it will continue on
Until my life ends

It is just that I hope to realize more things
Make much more of my life
Do more things that I can
For me,
For those that I love
And For those that will be affected
By the actions I make,
The emotions I feel and share
And the thoughts that I make into deeds.

Ikaw talaga Drew. :) But thanks for the guestbook entry. :)

October 18, 2003 Saturday 1008pm

Here I am again, all with my mind running around and thinking of things. And I have this sudden urge to just want to hit something, more or less just to get this “energy” out of my body. Anyway, I have been working hard on my self-control, so I wouldn’t let this get me.

I don’t know what will happen with the thesis, but I hope we pass this time around. And of course, next week is midterm week, so things are kind of piling up a bit. But anyway, I just hope that we be able to work through all these. And then the next week would be defense week. Yikes! Just a little time for us to talk with the LASSO thing for the thesis. We are changing from Wireless applications to CRM to Workflow to Document Management System. Woo… I just hope we are doing the right thing.

Just this morning, we went to bring my ninong or godfather to his final resting place at Himlayang Pilipino at Tandang Sora. On the way to the cemetery, I reflected, and thank God. God is so great that he made sure that we are living together with the people that we love so that we wouldn’t be alone through times of happiness and sorrow, so that people that we love will be there for us to give us strength, support and love. I mean, aside from relatives, our parents have their friends, and we have our own set of friends. And our friends have their friends. God made sure that we are not alone whatever happens; the only thing that can stop us from having friends is when we shut these good people out of our lives. Every person we meet is done for a purpose, both for the person and for ourselves. I meet, I can only meet one unique you, as you meet me, and when you meet another person, or if I meet another person, though there are similarities with the people that we meet and in ourselves, there are still differences that make us so much unique because of the way we see things, of the way we act, of how we handle things, of how we believe would be. For instance, there is only one Drew, and even if I find somebody who is in a lot of ways like Drew, but then Drew is Drew, and nothing can change that. And the friendship and experiences with Drew will be distinctively something that Drew and I share. Unbelievable, but believe it. In all my 21 years in the world, it took me this long to see this. This “discovery”, for me, makes me want to cherish my friendships/relationships more, especially those relationships that are still going on for long and of which I have kept alive, with friends, relatives, acquaintances. These people will surely affect you one way or another; you may forget about it, but it has affected you in some way and molded you into who you are.

Anyway, I got to get back to translating this dialogue of ours (Jo and I) for our Elemfre midterms. And I do need to finish reading Bits and Pieces, and then doing mine and Jo’s group assignment for JPRIZAL (on Philippine History and Jose Rizal). :)

I enjoy staying in Drew and the gang's project room. :) It's quiet there when nobody's around, and it is cheerful there when you guys are around. :) Well, right now, things are still going smooth. :) I just hope that i can continue hanging out there. :) Well, i do stay at Jo's project room as well, although i know i am not allowed into anybody's project room. :)

So far, this week is okay. :) And i find out that i can better control my temper lately. :) Thank God for that. :) And i continue to pray to God everyday. :)

Hello to all! :)

October 11, 2003 Saturday 1133pm

I have just finished watching “A Beautiful Mind”, starring Russell Crowe as Nobel Prize winner John Nash and Jennifer Connelly as Alicia Nash. As my sister did say, it is a good movie. I am especially “affected” or touched by Alicia’s strength, and on her love and faith that things we go alright with her husband all through those years as he fought with schizophrenia and on seeing “people” around him. Alicia could have left her husband but she didn’t. She had the strength, even if she didn’t know what may happen in the future; she had faith and believed that everything will go alright in the end. She trusted that everything will work out not just for her husband, but for everyone else as well. She just believed, even as she went through what each of us would call a very emotionally draining experience. But despite all those, she got through them all. And the same thing with her husband as well, for his love for her made him do his best to get better, and to see things which are true in reality. It was their love, and their commitment; they were afraid, but despite this, they went through these together; even if they were given opportunities/circumstances/situations to leave each other, they chose to stay by each other’s side. A salute to people like John Nash and Alicia Nash.

And then I ended up thinking about my fears about the future. Will I be able to survive what may come in the future? Will I be able to handle the problems/temptations that may come my way? Will I be able to trust God still by then? Will I be able to serve the Lord and others throughout my lifetime? Will I be doing something that will be of service and of importance and benefit to everybody? Will I be doing something good? I know I may sound like I am trying to please everybody else, but then, I am really afraid if what I chose to do with my life will be of meaning not just for me, but also if what I do will be for the better of all.

I prayed to God. I know, in my “problems” during the past year, I never did mention God. All I did was rant and blabber about this certain person, and on how I felt lost and such. I didn’t talk to God; I didn’t turn to him for help, even when somebody pointed out to me that I am trusting everything, my happiness and self-worth included, to another person who is as imperfect as I am, and who is also prone to go through the same situation that I am in right now. He said, this friend of mine, that I am putting my trust on a weak foundation, on something that cannot give me what I need: peace, joy, contentment. At that time, I was adamant; I didn’t want to listen at all, though I did, but then I didn’t really that much about it.

I continued to feel bad about myself, especially since I ended up on thinking and thinking of why this person wouldn’t talk to me. I kept to asking myself, “Why? What did I do to this person? Why doesn’t this person talk to me? Is there something wrong with me?” At those times, I am thankful for those people around me who are willing and brave enough to point out things for me – my best friend Daphne, Drew, Arcy, Patrick Tan. Anyway, I kept asking this questions, and each time I did, my feelings of inferiority and anxiety just exploded into something so big that I can’t handle it anymore. I thought of killing myself. There would be this urge to just get a knife and just cut my wrist. I did attempt to do so by first starting out with my thumb, but the thing is, I just can’t do it yet. So what I did, so that I wouldn’t hurt myself in some way, I would put my “knife” away from me, although knowing where it is, I would just put it somewhere away from me, go to my bed, put my hands under the pillow that my head will be lying on, and sleep. I would always sleep, and continue to do so for almost 5 months.

In those five months, I started seeing the guidance counselor during the 3rd month(January 2003). (Right now, I don’t know why I am discussing this, even if this is just a journal of mine.) I didn’t really plan to go to him (the guidance counselor). I met up with him during December 2002, when I just found out that I had no thesis mates anymore since I was dropped out of the group; I was already feeling so down then. Anyway, during January 2003, at the start of school, I did share to him that I did find a new thesis group, and shared to him about my losing or being dropped out of the thesis group and about my getting all-attached to this person and feeling so down because this person doesn’t talk to me at all. He probably saw signs that I was going through something difficult and, I guess, dangerous because he told me at once that I set an appointment with him, for consultation. I did, with the support of my friends – Arcy, Drew and the gang (Cheryl, Carlo, Ellen and the others); even my best friend, if I remember it right, didn’t say anything against my seeing the counselor.

Well, I guess the counseling went as it should. I shared and we (the counselor and I) tried to find out why I am feeling that way. He even pointed out to me that I am protecting this person, and that in a way, I making it harder for myself. He asked me, “How long do you plan to get this going? When will you let this person go? When will let this feeling go? What are you going to do about it, about what you are feeling, about your relationship with this person?” Well, one of my answers is that I will see what happens during the next 5 months, during my practicum; it was a good plan, since I wouldn’t be seeing this person as much and such. I told him that this would be a good way to assess it my friendship with “this person” will go on despite time and distance; I mean, i went through this same problem with my best friend, thinking that I might lose her if we don’t talk as much, and if we are separated, but then after a year of being away from her, I found out that we were and are able to still be friends, and even found out that our relationship didn’t deteriorate despite being far away from each other and only being able to talk once a while. In fact, our relationship somewhat grew and strengthened; can I use the word “matured”? He said that it was a start. And so I continued seeing the counselor during classes that third term, and I think my appointment was during Friday mornings.

Well, of course, life went on. I went to the OJT. And we (me and this friend) seeing each other more than once. I didn’t stop myself if I wanted to talk to this person; I just let things go on naturally. And I am glad I did. Since then, I’ve been pretty “stable”, if I may call it that. Well, I was able to control a little of my thoughts, my wandering mind, my anxiety – I would usually end up, even up until now, trying to rationalize things, thinking of what may happen if I didn’t do something and such; I am still obsessive compulsive, and think of thoughts that bother me over and over again in my mind. Right now, I do my best to push those bothering thoughts aside if I think it’s not important at all. So far I’ve been able to do so, but of course, it would come back and back, since I am just suppressing/repressing it at the same time. And things are going okay with me and this person.

I am glad that Daphne, my best friend, constantly reminded me of God. She also recommended good books, one of which I am still reading, in my 34th day already (The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren; the other is The Prayer of Jabez by Bruce Wilkinson.). And I coming to meet and get to know God again. And I am glad I able to talk with God again. It’s like I have been cut off from him for so long, almost 3-4 years; there was a point in my life that I felt that I am becoming agnostic, and I guess I started feeling it last year, around October as well.

And back to my fears: of what will happen to me after I graduate, of what I can do with my limited skills that I got from college. I still feel that I am still not ready to graduate. I mean, I want to graduate already, but I don’t think that my skills are ready or that I didn’t make the best out of my stay in college to hone my skills. What will I become? I think I am not only one thinking about this, as I have already shared this questions with some friends, and they said that I shouldn’t be worrying about thinking this way since they are also thinking about the same thing. I mean, a lot of us are wondering what will be happening to us; a lot of us don’t want to work under Information Technology, we want to do something else, something that is near to our heart. Well, there are others who do want to work already, for their own reasons and/or the circumstances that they are currently in.

Still, I don’t know what God’s purpose for me is. Well, it will take time, I know, but I hope that I will be able to find out soon so that I can do it. I still want to grow in Him. But I really do need to make and take the initiative. It’s the only way, because it depends on me, on my choices, if I will do things for Him or for myself.

I hope that I don’t sound like I am trying to be a miss goody-goody. And I don’t even know why I am sharing this. Guess I just want to make a point that I am doing something about my search for myself, for my meaning/purpose in life, and for my God and my relationship with God. The questions in the second paragraph, I don’t really know how to answer, but I did share these with God, and I just hope and pray that I will be able to go through, to survive, any problem that God brings my way, that I don’t lose faith in him, especially in times that I feel that I am losing hope and that everything is crumbling down into nothing. I hope that I don’t turn and run away from God, but instead run towards Him and ask Him for help. I really did ask Him that, and right now, I am praying that He helps me not to lose faith in Him, that He make me see Him in everything in life, even in the small things and in nature. For me, this is the way to go so that I will learn to appreciate the small things in life, and to appreciate what God is doing for us as well by being able to live every single day, even if we are uncertain of our future. I can’t take away the fear still, but I guess it will help remind me that I must trust God in everything, and that despite this fear of mine, that He will always be there for me. Though God wasn’t “shown” in “A Beautiful Mind”, it showed what we can achieve with love, not just for ourselves, but for others. For from love comes trust and all else follows, which includes service to others, and the strength to live on and a lot of others. Rememember, God is Love. :)

** I guess, even I didn’t name the name of “this person”, it would be in some way obvious who the person is . :) But still, I don’t want to share that anymore, because things are going okay. And the above sharing is written because I just wanted to get it off my chest as well. And I feel quite fine being able to write it or type it down, so that I can share it to anybody who wants to read it. In a way, it is my way of giving the true events in my life, the truth. I didn’t divulge everything, but almost everything. It is my life experience. And I want to be honest, not just to myself, but to God and to others as well. I want to be honest to those who are reading this, and I want them to know who I really am. I don’t want to hide anymore, though I still am hiding in a way, but I guess I am working on being not afraid of what others think and just live my life because I want to do something worthwhile for the life of the people I can touch and that God be happy with what I am doing for Him, for others and for myself.

Good night! 1:00 AM. October 12, 2003 Sunday

I still think about what will happen after college. Will I get a good job? Will I get paid? Will I be able to do it? These fears, and then the fear of what will happen to our thesis proposal. As of this coming Saturday, we should already have submitted a draft of our thesis proposal. San Miguel, supposedly our test bet company, wouldn’t give us information, and it would be really hard to keep on pursuing on that. I just hope we get to submit something on time. I will ask my thesismates that we talk with Ms. Tangkeko, and to do something about this, that they go find a company tomorrow. We really need to. Even if I can’t go with them.

I am still hiding
Still afraid of what others think of me
And my mind wanders off
And thoughts come into my mind
Thoughts that I have to brush away

Even God said
That it would be hard to change
It will be a constant struggle
A struggle to win over something
That you sure you don’t want to take over you

Breathing in
Breathing out
Still breathing
Breathing my first?
Breathing my last?

Faith, be strong
Love, be true
Me, be who you are
Learn to face the truth
And stand high despite all else

October 2, 2003

It’s surprising on how things happen. Now knowing for sure that my dad has dengue, well, I am worried of course. Ever since I was told that he needs to be confined in the hospital, I started to worry though not that much since I really tried to think positively, that he will get better.

But I am thankful that I have friends who are willing to donate blood, and if they can’t, are there to support and pray for us. :)

Well, just this Tuesday, I also had a mini-accident. Well, I got a scratch at my right knee. Well, it hurts when I walk, but at least I can still walk. I did also get some scratches on my right arm, but I think it is only minimal. But I do feel my body aching. I just hope I don’t feel and get worst and that my dad’s condition gets better.