Grace's Mind-it-on-your-own

As of this date, a person I call by the name Aunt Haydee passed away. Before I go on with the details, I would like to say how much she means to every one of us whose life she had touched, one way or another. She is a family friend, friend of my parents, to whom I had the pleasure of being able to call an aunt as well as a friend. There are things in life that I wasn¡¦t able to share to others, but to which I have shared with her. I have always felt loved and at peace when I am around her. And she always made sure that my birthdays were celebrated. She would always ask somebody to bring over cakes to celebrate my birthday. She started doing so when our families met and even up to my college days. It only stopped last year, when she started going to the hospital. But then, she never stopped to show that she cared, because she would constantly send these beautiful text messages almost everyday. Our families enjoyed a lot of vacations together. And we do enjoy being with them. It is really an honor to have met them in our lifetime. And I admit, I like going to their place to visit them, whenever my parents do go there. And I did promise her, she will be a ¡§ninang¡¨ or principal sponsor on my wedding day. Well, I guess it won¡¦t get to happen.

Well, I guess I have to start from the beginning. My parents, of course, met the Rabos, I guess, as members of the Lions Club. I don¡¦t know much about that, but then, a while after that, both families went to vacations to other countries together: Hong Kong, Singapore, Malaysia, Thailand, Japan, Australia, New Zealand, Canada, and US. I was always first seated with Vlamir, but then since I would always pinch him, ¡§hurt¡¨ him, they made it a point that I be seated with Girlie. Well, I guess, since then I am usually with Girlie during family travels, in the tour bus, and sometimes as room mates. I can¡¦t gauge my closeness with Girlie, but I know that I was able to share my problems with her as well, and she always listened and was there to give me sound advices, as Aunt Haydee also did.

Both families don¡¦t get to meet much when not traveling together, but we do meet up once in a while, whenever mutual friends are around and such. Of course, there are also the debuts of Heidilyn, Hershey, Girlie to which we were always invited. Vlamir¡¦s as well. We were also invited to some of their immediate family¡¦s celebrations. Well, I can say that we are made somewhat to feel to be ¡§family¡¨. In some ways, both families helped each other. Oh, I even remembered going over to their place one time, and there was this small ¡§bahay kubo¡¨ and we would play inside there, ¡§bahay-bahayan¡¨ or so I remember of my childhood.

And of course, what I remember the most of Aunt Haydee in all those times shared with their family is that we are always welcomed. She always had this ready smile. She is a humble, kind, and loving person. I know a lot of people who can attest to that. She lived and enjoyed life. She believed in the goodness in people. And she loved her family very much. And I know she loved us as well. I sure did feel it because for me, she never forgot to make the people she love feel it.

This is why I wanted her to be part of my life in the future, and therefore promising her that she will be a ¡§ninang¡¨ or principal sponsor when I do get married, which would be a very special day in my life that I would really love enjoying with her and their family. She really wanted me to be slimmer, because she wanted me to be fit, healthy, and of course, probably in the end, find a good guy to marry. It is not that guys are very much that people liked people physically, it is just that, they need to see something that gets their attention, after which they will do their best to get to know after they are able to find out more of the, in this case, the girl. And I guess it can be the same way with girls as with choosing guys. She did say that she wants to be my ninang once I find the guy, of course, after slimming down. At that time, both families were in Hong Kong, and I just kind of agreed with her proposition, well, glad in a way that she really wants to be there for me when I do get married, though I am not really resolute in going on a diet or something like that. I think it was by that time I promised her. I guess I was already in college already, probably in my second year. I only got to dieting during my third year in college, when my mom made sure that I go to the gym by getting me a personal trainer, and in going through a diet given to me by another family friend, Venice. Well, Aunt Haydee was able to witness me losing 30 pounds, and I am glad that she was able to share that time with us. I know she was happy seeing and knowing I lost some weight. And I am, in a way, happy too.

Of course, the time did come when she had to go through surgery to take out a kidney. I was so afraid then, but of course, I am really glad that she got through that. But it would only take a year or less, before these tumors came around, and in the end, made her body so weak. During this time, while she was still strong, she never stopped forwarding beautiful and inspiring text messages. At those times, I would sometimes feel and think that she has a lot of time texting, probably she was bored and not doing much, and at times, did wish that she not text everyday. And of course, time went by and at one point she stopped forwarding messages. I didn¡¦t really notice that she stopped texting until I learned from my parents that tumors were found in her body, and that she in undergoing treatment, chemotherapy. It was then that I started worrying, and praying to God that He take care of her. As of June 18, 2003, I reminded her of my promise that she will be my ninang when I do get married, and she replied, ¡§Promise yan ha ƒº¡¨; I still have and do keep that text message in my SIM¡¦s inbox. From then on, we would visit her at the hospital, during chemo sessions. We would also visit her at their home, bring over food she might need that might be hard to find. I would always want to go and visit her.

October this year, she left to seek treatment in US, but then came back a month after. The doctors gave her a month, that it is better she came home here in the Philippines to be with her family. But it was since then that her health took a turn for the worst. And since then, she didn¡¦t really want much visitors. And since then, I can only hear much from my parents, who can only hear as much from other family members of the Rabo family.

And today, I woke up late, during noon. After eating lunch, I was asked to bring over feeding tubes that my parents have asked to be brought over from the US, sent over by my cousin, through Federal Express for Aunt Haydee. I changed my clothes and left as soon as I can. In the car, I prayed to God to help us, take care of us, and keep us strong. I have always prayed for Aunt Haydee and their family. When I arrived at the hospital, I wasn¡¦t really expecting to see Girlie outside the room, but there she was, with Vlamir and the doctor, I think, talking about Aunt Haydee¡¦s condition, when I arrived by Aunt Haydee¡¦s hospital room¡¦s door. Of course, I heard what was being discussed, that they¡¦ll try and do what they can, if not, to let her rest. When the doctor left, it was then that I heard about Aunt Haydee¡¦s condition. She can¡¦t move her body anymore, that her body was swollen to the point that she can¡¦t feel any pain anymore when she was injected. (I heard before that she would throw up and have mouth sores during treatment, but that was because of the chemo. Of course, it is hard just to hear that, what more to see a love one go through that.) That she was crying last night. Vlamir said that her eyes were yellowish, and that most of the tubes inserted in Aunt Haydee were taken out, except for one that was on Aunt Haydee¡¦s hand. Vlamir did most of the talking; Girlie was already crying then. At that time, I can¡¦t stop myself from crying. It was a shock; I didn¡¦t expect it to be that worse. I told myself before, she probably didn¡¦t want people to see her because they would just pity her, but then now I think she didn¡¦t want people to visit her because she didn¡¦t want them to go through ¡§pain¡¨, in an emotional sense. Of course, I would have wanted to go in, but I just felt that it was not proper to do so at that time. I hugged Girlie, and told them that I always prayed for Aunt Haydee, and Vlamir said that miracles can still happen. I told them that I¡¦ll be going, and Vlamir insisted on walking me to the elevator, I told him, ¡§go back inside. I can go by myself. Aunt Haydee needs the both of you more now.¡¨ And with that, I left as they want back in to the room.

I walked to the elevator, crying. And I continued doing so as I was in the car, on the way home. I did pray, ¡§God, I don¡¦t want to sound bad, but please take care of Aunt Haydee. Take away her pain, take her.¡¨. While in the car, I know that death was inevitable. When I arrived home, I went ahead to tell how things were with Aunt Haydee. After that, I just took a bath and watched TV. It took my mind off the idea of death for a while. TV did entertain me for a while so as not to think of Aunt Haydee¡¦s imminent death. I know, it sounds pathetic, but I did feel as if nothing happened; I just watched TV, though I would occasionally remember Aunt Haydee and would mutter a short prayer. I had been crying while in the hospital, in the car, when I told my mom of what I heard, and while I was taking a bath. I cried, and it made my head ache. I felt guilty while watching TV, but then, I just watched TV.

It was around 10pm something when I heard from my sister that Aunt Haydee passed away. Uncle Willie, the husband of Aunt Melissa who is Aunt Haydee¡¦s sister, texted my dad around 8pm. By that time, I was shocked. I didn¡¦t expect it to be so soon. Christmas was just around the corner. How about Hanie? How about her being my ninang? I didn¡¦t cry, though I did shed tears once I got to process what I heard. I told my brother, and he was surprised as well. My sister said, ¡§Life is really so short. Everything went so fast. Why so fast? Why so soon?¡¨ I also felt that way. But then, at that time, I didn¡¦t really know what I felt. I texted my best friend about this. I feel pathetic for just watching TV, Kate and Leopold, after I heard that. But then, what am I to do, sulk? I know that I have to grieve as well, but I just didn¡¦t know how to react just yet. Her death was so sudden; we knew that it was coming, but we didn¡¦t expect it to be today. As I said, we didn¡¦t expect it to be so soon.

But I guess, we can¡¦t put life, or death, on hold. We cannot stop death, nor life. As the line goes, ¡§Life goes on¡¨ It seems that here in our home, nobody cried, except for me, but then I guess we are all crying in the inside.

I don¡¦t know why I am writing this, but then I think this is my way of grieving, of helping me to cry and letting it all out, of moving on. I think Aunt Haydee would not want me to grieve and not let go of her. I wrote this because I don¡¦t want to forget her, because I want to grieve, because I want to let go, because I want to remember her and how she¡¦s been there for me and a lot of others when she lived, because I want to share how she became a part of me, of how she is and who she is to me, and because I want to share the passing of an extraordinary and dear person, who has touched the hearts of those who knew her and have become a part of her life, as she became a part of our lives.

I told myself, ¡§I am going to write a letter for Aunt Haydee since she didn¡¦t want visitors. In this way, I can tell her how much we love her even if we weren¡¦t there beside her right there and then.¡¨ But then, I did not get to write that letter, and now it¡¦s too late. But I guess, it is not too late to write this, for her love ones, and for those who are to read this. I think I know she already knows what¡¦s in this already. And I know God will take good care of her, and that she¡¦s already with him, watching over us all with God. May she rest in peace. Goodbye Aunt Haydee. We really love you.

We passed IT-RESM! Yippee!! :) Got our course card for this today. :) I also had my POLIGOV final exam today. I feel kinda afraid that i might get a low grade in this final exam, but i know i did my best in reviewing, in answering the multiple choice questions as well as the essay questions. :) i am worrying, but then i have to remind myself that it is already my last day of final exams today, so better not make it worse for myself. :)

Once and again
As always
In the deep pit of consciousness
Aware of what's in my mind
Of what's in my heart as well

Afraid of my thoughts
Afraid of my feelings
Frightened of the downward spiral
I must go through again
Despite holding myself up
Running away from all of these

Self-realization
I cannot face
though i can't hide from
And that is why it hurts so
Without even trying to fight

If i can just look out of the window
Watch the clouds go by
in the blue sky
And as that happens
for tears full of emotion
To empty this soul of mine

How i wish
I can die in this deep pit
Drowning from the tears
that i long to come to me
during my sleep

To look forward to a new day
Or to look back into the past
For in the present
With this unknown emotion
Or could it be what's real
Of me that wishes
to die
or to drain away this
so wakeful consciousness