Grace's Mind-it-on-your-own

i had something going on here. yup, i forgot to keep a copy of what i type into this, and of course, something went wrong and i lost it.

anyway, this is what i've "saved":::

I want to reach out
To a vast world
A world i don't really know
A world that i am living in

to be able to affect
and be an effect to other people
and i hope that it would be good
good for one and all

i want to be who i am
and being that way
be there for a world
full of happiness
yet full of sorrow
full of tomorrow
yet trapped by the past
full of opportunities
yet full of obstructions
full of everything
yet full of everything that is opposite it

I just don't know who i will be.
I am afraid of who i'll be
I am afraid of what i'll lost
friends, family, people that i love.

I have lost some people
i have lost good time
i have made wrong decisions
i have hurt myself, physically and emotionally
I drove myself crazy
i have done a lot of things
things that i both regret
and i guess i am also glad that happened
believing, in some little way,
that things happen
because they are meant to be

like meeting people
losing people
like joining something
leaving something
like making a choice
and living the consequences, good or bad.

even if i go on and on,
it would just be the same
but for once
i guess in a way
i can laugh again for a while
looking forward to a new day
a new day of beginnings
for me,
my thoughts,
my life,
my decisions,
for the world

and for everyone of us
as we live with one another
Sleeping or just waking up
from the deep slumber
of either ignorance or by decision

i just hope one day
i wake up
and find my purpose
so that i could serve people the better
and feel better
and make this world
a better place
though it would be a really big task
for both you and me.

February 20, 2004

Well, I just had this thought in my mind, about people being pretentious, or well, it is rather that I think of it that way. But the funny thing is, I am also one of those pretentious person. Well, not always, but of course, the pretentious me comes out whenever I am with someone I am not that close to, and have to spend time with them for some time. Well, this thought, as I was writing it down was cut short when Eric arrived, telling me that we will be having a meeting with Ms. Wendy.

As I was spurred to write about this because I saw my old thesismate, one of whom I was able to spend one whole term of preparing a thesis proposal with and we failed (this is the same person in the group who took me in when my supposed-to-be thesismates took me out of the group). In a way, this is the only person in my old group that I am able to really talk to, with no feeling of enmity, or at least we are able to be just straight and frank. Actually, I don¡¦t feel that awkward with her; she is really nice to me, and do my best to be real and be nice to her as well (and actually, I can be nice to her. ƒº).

Well, at one point, when I was working with them on our proposal, as well as during our on-the-job training, I felt that they were somewhat pretentious, and I didn¡¦t want to be affected by them ¡V I don¡¦t want to be like them. At times, they are so simple-minded, they don¡¦t think thoroughly, and see complicated things to be so simple. But then, they do get to do what they are asked to do. (Actually, I don¡¦t know why I want to talk about this anyway ¡V to live on, to go on?) And of course, I didn¡¦t like the way they work. And of course the inevitable happened: I did leave their group, and joined this group, of which I ended up with Eric, as Eric and I did talk about one day during the first proposal stage and we were still with our then groupmates.

Well, I was in the lobby today, and like everyday, whenever I see her and my old groupmates, I just sort of think nothing of it. But then today, I chose to let my mind wander. I then wondered, ¡§She seems that she¡¦s doing okay. Good for her. Good for her groupmates.¡¨ She was with her friend, and she left for a while (by the way, I was just observing from another table, the one nearest the main doors to the faculty room). And I told myself, ¡§is she really feeling happy or that even if we are just both in the same situation, working on our thesis, is she really doing well, and not hating the situation she is in?¡¨ Well, my thoughts were sort of in that line and then I told myself, why am I even thinking about this. And I thought, ¡§Are they pretending, or is it I who is pretending?¡¨ Of course, I don¡¦t know the answer to the first part of the question, because I can¡¦t read her mind, and it is her business if she wants to pretend everything is alright. But then, to the second question, I can¡¦t say that I am pretending at all, but then, I feel that I could have been pretending in some way or another. I am not angry at them at all, but most of the time, I find myself wondering what would have things been if this scenario happened and such. I admit, that most of the times, whenever I am with people that I am not really that close with and have to spend time with, I end up being a little more pretentious that I should be. Pretentious so that I don¡¦t need to disclose things about me, or I pretend that I don¡¦t care at all, so that I can stay in my space, in silence, or so at times I wanted to be so.

Of course, when i am with the people I believe in, I love, or think I love, I just want to share my thoughts.

I just hate being pretentious, but then whenever I am with strangers, though most of the time I am sincere, there are times that I just can¡¦t help pretending in some way or another, even if I don¡¦t really want to. You know, you end up pretending to be or to be doing something or being not someone or being not doing something, even in small doses, the small doses that we try to rationalize would be for the good for ourselves, and for others. But at times, I regret having done so. I just wish that I can be true to myself, and to others, all the way. But then, the fear of rejection still comes into my mind. And I end up trying to please people, when I spent most of my years growing up trying to fight the feeling of having to please people, especially those that have been stopping from such a stubborn and liberal person that I am. You can say that I am a rebel. But the truth is, all these years, I am very confused of myself, or rather, I am confused or think I feel confused or doubtful of how I can be so sure of myself. Yeah, I think this is the right thought¡K Well I hope it is. I just am typing down whatever is in my mind right now.

Actually, it has been a long time since I have last typed this long of a document or journal. I have been usually been writing about my day, almost like a diary, with the intimate details stripped away, and all the daily routine boring details are left. Well, I always have these thoughts in my mind that I really want to write about, but then these thoughts usually come about whenever I am doing something else, and can¡¦t be bothered to write about it at once, or it is just I am plain walking, or on my way to sleep, or I just don¡¦t have pen and paper. But today, I wrote about what is really in my mind, no stopping myself about that. I guessed watching ¡§You¡¦ve Got Mail¡¨, starring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan, kind of spurred the feeling of writing ¡V with all the typing and communication they have been doing, and all those they are typing their thoughts down and you can hear what they are thinking and is typing. Yeah, I think this is just it, but I really did write something this morning. ƒº

Anyway, I did go to University of Sto. Tomas today, for this thing in theology class. Well, I went and thought I would see somebody that I know who studies there. Lucky me, I saw Jennilyn Chua and Diane Maquilan. They kept me company, after I moved away from Arcy, Christian and JL for a while, and when I parted from Arcy, Christian and JL because the four of us have to go, they accompanied me to where Achi said I should meet them so that they could pick me up and we could go home. It was somewhere along Lacson Ave, and a BPI branch to which Jenny and Diane accompanied me to and kept me company until Achi came. I am thankful that they were there, and having taken the time to keep me company and enjoy each others presence. In a way, I felt guilty or ashamed for having to have them still accompany me. I know, in a way, I should. I am really guilty. But then, if I hadn¡¦t, in some way, I wouldn¡¦t have been able to talk with them some more. Because when we were walking towards the BPI branch, we were talking and enjoying our company. Actually, I did really enjoy being around them. ƒº

Oh, well, I can say that I am happy and glad that things went that way, though I did wish that I had asked Kuya Gudo or asked to be fetched a little later so that I can spend more time with Diane and Jenny, but then, in some ways, it would just be the same. ƒº (in just some ways, okay? ƒº) But of course, there is the assignments and projects that I have to worry about tomorrow, as well as the thesis documents that I have to finish, that we have to finish, but well of course, the thesis part that is assigned to me that I have to finish by Monday so that we can be done with it, meet about it, discuss any needed changes to it, and get on with other things at hand so that we can submit on the 25th of February ¡V the first deliverable for our ITTHES1.

Okay, gotta go. There are ¡§pins pricking my legs¡¨ ¡V my legs are numb with the laptop being on top of my lap.

I wonder if people are still reading. but then at times, who cares...

anyway, it is just that it has been some time when i last blogged. i guess at the moment, i am just plain bored or just don't have anything to do.