Grace's Mind-it-on-your-own

November 26, 2004, Friday, 9:22 AM, DLSU Gokongwei Lobby

Actually, I lay awake last night, sleep eluding me for almost an hour. I prayed an earnest prayer, talking with God all about my plans and my fears in life. I feel like crying, but felt and thought that there is no point in doing so. But deep in my heart, I did cry, and in my mind, I saw all my fears come to life.

But facing each day is not that bad anymore, unless I am left to idly wait for some time, with my mind on the roll again. But things could be much worst. I have been to the other extreme, where death or the idea of death, as I take my own life, was just somewhere around the corner, or beside me, as I take every step and think every thought. Actually, it, death, is still somewhere near, only thing is, I got an invisible wall around me at this round, and God back into my life. Of course, I still think of death, but then, I also think of a lot of other things before it: life after college, life working, life with a family (my own) and that of immediate and extended family, life at old age, life with kids growing up, life with my parents growing old. You see, I think of so much things about the future, and at most points, I remember the past – some I prefer to forget but remember, most I would never want to forget and fearful of forgetting.

I would have died years ago, but the thing is, aside from my now best friend being there for me when I needed her the most during those times, I am afraid to die. I can’t even kill myself. I would hurt myself, orchestrate my own death, think of what to use and where to hurt myself, but I never did kill myself. What’s the use of wanting to die if I can’t even kill myself? Funny how things are, right?

And so now, aside from death, life continues to baffle me as I continue to live it. I am still clueless as to the finality of my personality, as a whole person; each facet and aspect of me yearns to find out who I am and was and will be, but the thing I want to know is, who am I? If I can’t decide or at least have an inkling of this, it is hard to discern who I will be and can be in the future. Perhaps, I am just afraid of what my decision of who I am will be? Possibly. Once I speak of it, and live it, there’s no turning back. I can change, but as always, it will be hard to change, especially if it is for the better. Too much friction, too much shame, too much horror, unless you have love for oneself, and the love and support of others. Others can change alone, but I am lucky to have others, even with me just taking these baby steps to changing, though I am still in the rut about myself.

Whatever our decision will be, it will be as it is. If I decide to go this way, I live my life accordingly to the consequences of that decision, either it be good or bad consequences. If I made a different decision, there are different consequences. But whatever decision we make, there will always be consequences that we have to live with, and most importantly, live through. I guess one would say, it is on how you have made the decision that matters, if you followed your principles or your circumstances, or otherwise. But whatever that decision might be, basing it on either good or bad principles or circumstances, once you make it, once you decide to do it and make and go on the first step, there is no turning back. Most of us don’t seem to notice these decisions, because it seemed so trivial, but when you look back, it wasn’t and isn’t trivial at all (well, in my case, it was this way). Of course, some just get detained in the same condition as they are now in, because they chose to or because I choose to. God has prepared our life, but we actually make the choices, the decision on things that we really can decide on so that we could learn, and then God unravels the rest, and the consequences. And I think, He prepares these consequences as our learning ground, taking some (people and/or things) and leaving some, our ups and downs. But whatever choice we make, though it may seem trivial, or so grave, depending on how you’ve learned to look at it, we do and must make the choice, and learn to trust God to be with us through the rest. We learn to endure through it all – most of us stumble and never get back on our feet, but a lot others, after stumbling step back up, one step at a time, with hands guiding them, with eyes, ears and all other senses (oh, let us not forget God). Rising up against shame, and becoming “new”, because we either learn something new, or continue to remain blinded, but be forever changed and affected by all these experiences.

So for now, I live my life day by day, though I still fear tomorrow every night. Each day brings happiness, joy, as well as sorrow, shame, anger, pain. At night, each fear crawling up to me. I guess, for me, these are my consequences, and I am learning to live with and through them day by day. This doesn’t seem like a proper ending, because I guess, each decision leads to a new beginning, and as it is said, death is also a new beginning, but with life, each moment is a beginning that you can make. After death… well, let’s worry about it after or when we are dead.

Actually, i have been updating qoamemories.blogspot.com more often than i do here. :)

so, i decided to "blog" here for a while. It has been a while. :)

Well, 2nd term has started. Of course, there is the feeling of i can't wait and i am afraid of might come our way, especially regarding our thesis. And then there is work. (and then what will happen after grad - oh please, i really want to graduate already!). Of course, what will be deciding on after graduation - work outside or stay non-profit! Wah!!!!! But i do hope that i get to decide after some more bumming period. (I am good at bumming around anyway. Therefore, such a waste my life is.)

Aside from that, i try to attend church every saturday, at CCF. Sundays, i stay home or go out, usually to enjoy some more or just you know, do something. :)

I actually want to write something a few days back, but i kept restraining myself, and it was actually not that hard in restraining myself. i just decided that i will not write or i leave it be.... I dunno.... If i really want to write i guess i wouldn't be able to stop myself from writing anything at all.... But the thing is, the thought of what i wanted to write stayed with me for a while.... and now that i am ready, i forgot about it....

anyway, i still have to search for the other journal site that i used to blog on to... Maintaining 3 is not that hard. It is just that, you guys wouldn't know which one to check for updates unless you check all three. Hehe :)

anyway, take care and hope to see you guys soon! :) i really miss you all!

P.S. is there something wrong with signmyguestbook.com?

I would like to invite you all to Tzu Chi's Bazaar at Le Pavillion (along Roxas Blvd, near
the Toyoto Manila Bay area) this coming October 9-10. There will be different booths where
you can do an early christmas shopping or just look around.
If you have any questions regarding the event, to buy tickets (to buy stuff, you buy such
tickets which can be used as corresponding to the peso amount/value on that ticket), to
inquire about the organization, or how to join the bazaar(either as supplier or sponsor),
please call the Tzu Chi office at 7325714 and look for Peggy or Chieh Fang for more details.
:)
I hope to see you there! :)
~Grace Limtanhoa

I was just reading through my guestbook, and i find it great to remember the times i wrote down my thoughts, and how we shared our thoughts through that guestbook. and of course, i remembered what it was like to be with friends like you, in school or out of school. :) It may not have been a lot, but we have been through much, especially Drew and I. hay.... you all now have graduated, while i, on the other hand, will stay for another term, instead of the sought after october grad (i will graduating by january 2005, and i hope that this coming second term would be the last term i stay in DLSU, though i am pretty sure that i don't want to graduate yet, but it is different without you guys.) And we all have to move on.

Memories just came rushing back, and it is nice to feel those emotions again.:) It is somewhat different now, but i know you guys are still there for me.:)

And since i haven't been blogging for almost over a year now, except for a few times this year and the picture blog, it is kinda weird to be blogging again. a lot of you have stopped blogging. but anyway, i just probably had a dry spell or it is just that i have been enjoying more of the world (as if, but i think i am, experiencing new things, new emotions, with old and new friends). I do go out, and everytime i go out, there would always be this thought in my mind that i want to write about but end up forgetting about it or pushing it aside as i am trying to live the moment. :) anyway, i think, today is an exception. i hope this won't be the last. :)

i have been reading Purpose-Driven Life for the second time, and it is said that we are born to this world, with the family we are in, where we are and when we were born -- these were all chosen by God for a reason. ... and i like watching Mcleod's Daughters on tv, and the lead character dies leaving behind a half-sister and her daughter... i mean, the sister left their farm when their parents divorced and came back during their father's death,determined to just leave the farm to the other sister, but then upon knowing that the farm was in debt, this other sister stayed behind to help out and ended up liking it there, especially now that she is with her older sister... but then as i've said, the older sister dies in a freak car accident.... with regard to that, i think we do have a purpose in each other's life. i mean, in that series, both sisters had each other in the end because both can help each other in ways they didn't get to before, and now that they are boht without parents, they are now there for each other, especially now that there were harder things to face in their lives, but now they could help each other, and do things together.... and sometimes i think, am i born in this family because God challenges me to be better from what i already am? I just don't know, but probably it is one of God's way to help me change for the better ( i don't think it would be for the worst, because we make mistakes, but it is to learn from those that we become better people, and we do make the decisions)....

anyway, i maybe getting rusty with my writing. But still, i hope that you understood what i was saying. :)

anyway, gotta sleep.:)

hope to hear from you guys soon! :) miss you all! :o

And here is a favorite song of mine right now, titled MY HEART IS LIKE A RIVER, from the Hallmark series Mcleod's Daughters, Click here to visit their site.:

My Heart Is Like A River

My heart is like a river
My heart is like these hills
They never change
I never change
and I never will

You called and I came running
You cried and now I'm here
So hold this faith
accept our faith
These are little fears

We have enough to guide us
We have enough to last
We're not alone
we never were
you and I aren't lost

Oh hold me very tightly
Hold me fast and strong
I am your love
Won't stray from you
You and I belong

My heart is like a river
My heart is like these hills
They never change
I never change
and I never will

I have posted new pictures at my Picture Blog. Just click the link. :) It's more on the gimmick or rather a get together with mostly close high school friends. :)

Go to http://qoamemories.blogspot.com for graduation pictures of Drew and the Gang. :) ...and of some other friends. :) Yup, even if i didn't get to graduate alongside these friends of mine, at least i was able to spend the graduation day with them. Thanks to Che's extra ticket. :) Well, i could have graduated with you guys, but then, thesis is thesis and i failed the first thesis proposal. Oh well. :)

It was really hot in there, but it was great seeing all these people graduate. Makes me wonder if i will make it this October. :) I do hope so. :)

But it is kinda funny, after a moment of happiness, graduation is done and over with. And you are now officially graduates and officially part of the working force (if you are already employed). or just a professional bum. :) Just the same, it seems to quick, that the graduation's done and that's it. College seemed to have just started just a few months ago (when in fact it has been four years already) and now you guys are leaving me, a term ahead that is. :)hehe :) That means you are all great company to have made our stay seem so short. :) This is the same with high school batchmates. :)

If you have time, and are reading this, check out another of my blogs, at http://qoamemories.blogspot.com. :)